1st Monitoring Results

I haven't posted in a while, not much been going on to tell about.

Yesterday was my first monitoring appointment for this cycle. I had an ultrasound and blood work at my local hospital. Luckily this time I didn't have to spend an hour in the blood lab and be poked by three different people. I hadn't had this guy before and he got it on the first stick! He was so nice too and I thanked him for doing such a great job. :)

I am still not happy with my local hospital. Seems like every time I go there something is not done properly. Why should a patient have to call at 4:00 to both the radiology and lab departments and ask them to send my results to my doctor when it clearly states on the order for both to send them as soon as the results are done? My ultrasound was at 8:15 (the first one of the day) and my blood shortly after. I guess the results were just sitting there because it only took them about 10 mins to reach the doctor. Grrrrrrr. I believe there is no chain of command in the entire hospital. Poor management I suppose. (Side note- my little sister is having her baby there tomorrow, so they better treat her right or I may open a can on them, I got some growing frustration for the place from how they have handled my records and the constant run around they gave my grandma this summer. So ya they better be nice to her and do things right!)

Anyhow.... back to my results. I was a bit disappointed with my ultrasound. The tech only measured 2 follicles this time. That is the lowest count I have ever had. But hopefully it is just because I am early in my cycle. I know by Friday this could all change. I started my Clomid last night and will start my Follistim injections Wednesday night {ironic that it will probably be at the hospital with my new niece and other family members in attendance}. Hopefully the meds will do their job and grow nice follicles!

These were my levels:

Estradiol: 30
LH: 5.7
FSH: 18.3
Progesterone: less than 0.2

The coordinator said all my levels were good and where they should be. She said that I have a 1.5 cm cyst on my left ovary. But that it always seems to be there early in my cycle, that it was there last time and wasn't any cause for concern.

It's all in God's hands! I trust Him. I trust my doctors. And that is what will carry me through this week and next. :)

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. James 1:2-7

Home!

We are home! I am doing well. I am a little light headed and have a bad headache but other than that not too bad. I am so happy to be at home in my recliner. Ha.

I am so glad we got to come home today instead of tomorrow! 

So what do you all think???... Should I tell my coordinator to call after work so I can be with Ryan or should I just bite the bullet and let her tell me fist thing??? This is what I will be thinking about all weekend! If it's disappointing news I want/need to be with Ryan but then also I am so anxious and that will just be that much longer to wait... Feel free to comment! I know y'all are reading! :) I have come this far... everything has been so smooth the last two weeks that it makes me nervous if I let myself think.

Side positive note: Ryan told me this morning before we left for the hospital that he had a dream we had twins, one boy, one girl. Then as we were waiting on the doctors to come in my room to send me back I was flipping through the tv channels and came along a show about twins on TLC. They were newborn, tiny. I kept flipping and low and behold I came across some channel for new moms. There was a woman breast feeding twins (one on each breast)!! (They were teaching the various techniques). Anyway as we were eating lunch (finally), Ryan's mom called and said she had to tell me something before she forgot again. She said that Ryan's sister had called a couple days ago telling her that she had a dream I was pregnant and nobody told her. When she ran into me and asked I told her I was pregnant with twins, a boy and girl!! 

So do you all believe in signs?! I do, I think God gives us signs sometimes. Maybe for hope, encouragement or guidance. Not saying that we will have twins but these little things are what keeps my hope alive! And I am thankful for them! 

Funny thing about another sign... The very first thing I bought "baby related" was after about two months of trying (approximately two years ago). It was a "My First Cardinals Tee" baby shirt. There it was staring me in the face the whole time! It even says "St. Louis" on it. I have looked at the thing countless times. I thought about giving it to a handful of moms that got pregnant in those two years but something inside of me couldn't let it go. I have held it and cried. I have laid it out so I would see it everyday to stuff it away a few days later. Granted I know it's not too much of a coincident since Ryan and I are such big fans. But really when you think about it, it is the only clothing item I have bought for our future baby.  

Here it is, isn't it cute?!?

Well there was one other clothing item, the red Tiny Toms I bought in November when I found out I was pregnant. I was going to use them for a Christmas card announcing our pregnancy. I miscarried before I got them in the mail. When I came home and they were sitting on the steps I immediately stuffed them under my bed. I didn't even open the UPS box they came in. Ha, they could be pink or glittery for all I know! My due date for that Angel is July 26th! Wow! 

Anyway I know I will open them someday. Maybe the day I find out I am pregnant. Although I may need another pair! Here's hoping, praying and dreaming about that moment! 

Hope you all have a great weekend! Work buddies I will see you Monday!   

It's getting exciting!!!

Today is my last day at work until after my retrieval! Tomorrow morning we are off to St. Louis to meet with the OB that will be doing my egg retrieval. Then Friday morning I will have my 2nd monitoring ultrasound and blood work.

I had the first monitoring on Monday. My doctor said the ultrasound of my follicle size was right where it should be. I still only had 2 follicles in my right ovary and 5 in my left. I was hoping for more this time but I guess it's better than less. They were tiny, which they are supposed to be in the beginning of a cycle. Then hopefully they grow real big!

The blood work Monday wasn't so great! I got stuck 6 times by 4 different people, almost fainted, spent an hour in the blood lab drinking juice, sitting in front of a fan and having warm towels wrapped around my arms before the supervisor of the lab finally got some (not much) blood from the top of my hand. She told me it was enough to do my hormone panels but not to test for the HIV, Hepatitis, Rubella, etc. Which I was fine with, I knew I could do it in St. Louis on Friday. But then later that day the nurse from Dr. Silber's office called and said the lab told her they didn't have enough blood to run the hormone panel. Dr. S said it was okay, we would just wait and see what my levels were on Friday. But man all that for nothing! Oh well! The lady who finally got my blood said that it was probably because I was so cold. My already extremely tiny veins were hiding. Yup I was freezing at 7:30 when I first walked in and by the time I got to the blood lab it was 9:00, so ya I was froze to the bone by then! Oh well.... just a tiny bump in the road. I can handle tiny bumps! :)

I am not really nervous yet, mainly just excited! However, I do admit this week a little anxiety has started to creep in a bit. The "what if's" have tried to ruin my day a couple of times. But I am really doing pretty good at stomping them out. I can tell Ryan is getting excited too. I am certain he worries too but I don't think he is ever gonna let me see that. He is always so positive! Last night I told him that I was starting to get anxious and of course he asked about what. Ha. I said "I don't know, like what if we don't get any eggs, what if we get some but none fertilize, what if some do fertilize but they all die, what if everything goes smooth and I get pregnant in the Fall like planned but then I miscarry." His reply "Baby we knew going into this that it wouldn't be 100%, we don't know until we try." Yup he's right! Then he said something along the lines of we have to think positive and take one day at a time. Which I really honestly feel like I have been and I really do have to pat myself on the back for that! Because after we left our first consultation with Dr. S, the whole way home I thought to myself how am I ever gonna do this without stressing, worrying and panicking the entire time. That was April 5th, two months ago! So I think I have done pretty darn good, I made it a whole two months before I let the "what if's" start creeping in. It's strange really because that is not my personality at all. I feel like I have done so much better than I thought I ever could.

And don't get me wrong I am still positive about next week. I think when you are doing IVF you almost have to be, otherwise you wouldn't get through it! That and pray and trust in God and his plan. I know this plan was designed for us. I know that we can handle this. I know that it has grown my faith, our marriage, our awareness of our health and is preparing us to be amazing and grateful parents.

Anyway back to my schedule, we should be coming home Friday after my monitoring appt. We will then have to be back to St. Louis Monday morning for monitoring again. We will do blood work and ultrasound at least every other day until the doctor says it is time to get my eggs! EEK, exciting! It's okay if you think I am crazy for being excited about being put under and letting a doctor stick a needle into my ovaries. No I am not worried about that, only about what he says when I wake up! Since people have had questions about how that process is done (I think they have trouble wrapping their minds around it) I have included a picture. The doctor will use an ultrasound probe to guide the needle into each follicle and extract the fluid inside which also contains the egg. (I wish my ovaries looked like this! Mine are no where near that full!)

After they get the eggs out they will inject each one with sperm. Like this

 



Then they will be put in a dish and monitored each day by an embryologist. The goal is for each of the eggs to fertilize. Even though they place the sperm into the egg, that doesn't ensure that it will fertilize and turn into an embryo. But I am praying like crazy they all do! They will know by the next day how many have fertilized. On the second and third day they check to see how good the embryos are growing. The prayer then becomes that by day 3 all of the embryos look like the 8 or 10 cell embryo in the picture below. Those babies are a thing of IVF beauty! Hopefully if everything goes well we will get to see pictures just like these of our future babies. :) :) :)

I will try to make a quick post after each monitoring appt to keep everyone updated on how things are going. Thank you to all of you who have been praying thus far! Now is the time we need your prayers more than ever, prayers for good egg quality that turn into excellent embryos!

Wait...

At the suggestion of my blogger buddy, Stephanie, I have been reading "Hannah's Hope" by Jennifer Saake. It is truly an amazing book! If you or someone you love is struggling with infertility, adoption or miscarriage, I totally suggest reading this book. I especially suggest reading it if you are searching for more understanding about what someone you love might be experiencing while dealing with any of these struggles. (My mom is wanting to read it when I am done, which is awesome because the author does an amazing job at putting things into perspective from an inside view but also from an outside view.) I wanted to share a poem that the author shares in the book. I don't know how I haven't stumbled across this poem before now.

Wait
by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

 

Amazing, huh?!
 

This poem spoke direct to my heart. In the past two months my heart has changed so much. My faith has grown tremendously. I have been happier than I have been in a long time. I have let things go that I have been holding on to. I have opened up more. I am witnessing growth in myself and all of my relationships.... with God, Ryan, my mother, family, friends, co-workers.... It's amazing. For the first time ever I am truly thankful for this journey!

I have had a few people ask me what's been going on recently. I am just waiting for my next cycle to begin so that I can start birth control pills. Yes, for the first time in two years I am anxiously awaiting my period. Strange that after two years of praying my period doesn't start, I am now wishing it along so that I can start birth control pills. So yup I am patiently waiting and thanking God everyday for this journey and all of my blessings!

{P.S. I plan on doing another post about "Hannah's Hope" when I am done reading, almost to the end!}

 

 

 

 

 

Someday

{WARNING: POSSIBILITY OF TEARS AHEAD}

So a while back a very good friend of mine told me that listening to me talk about all that we had been going through inspired her. She said that although she could not relate to my struggle, she thought about the things I said and tried to place herself in my shoes. She told me that she could never imagine how it feels but that sometimes she turns her thoughts into a song. She wrote a song for me! She said that she didn't know when she would share it with me but that she would someday. I hadn't pressured her at all but yesterday she emailed me her song, "Someday".

Of course I started crying immediately! What an amazing gift to give someone! A gift that I will cherish for the rest of my life. A gift that I will share with my babies and grand babies someday. A gift of friendship and faith. I will be forever thankful for these words!

SOMEDAY

(Verse 1)

I want to look into those brown eyes/

I want to hear you/ to hear those little cries/

Not having you in my life/is just too much to bare/

You're in my every thought and wish/ you’re in my every prayer/

 

(Chorus)

Someday/ my dreams will all come true/

Someday/ I’ll be in this world with you/

Someday/ In my arms you will lay/

Oh I wonder when it will be my someday/

 

(Verse 2)

I’ll count every finger and every toe/

I’ll hold my angel/ and kiss you upon your little nose/

and thank GOD for this blessing/ that He’s sent to me/

Each day you’ll hear how much I love you/ and what you mean to me/

 

(Chorus)

Yes someday/ my dreams will all come true/

Someday/ I’ll be in this world with you/

Someday/ In my arms you will lay/

Lord I know there will be my someday/

 

(Bridge)

10 little fingers/ 10 little toes/

and brown eyes that sparkle/ as I kiss your little nose/

I can’t believe it/ it feels like a dream/

what I’ve wanted so badly/ is looking up at me……/  

 

(Chorus)

Someday/ my dreams have all come true/

Someday/ I am in this world with you/

Someday/ In my arms you now lay/

Thank you God for giving me my Someday

 

Thank you God for giving me my Someday

 

Wow! Amazing right? I think so! Thank you Jamie! I love you!

I know someday she will sing it for me. :) My hope is that she will record it for me too. That way I can play it to my babies. The Lord blessed her with musical talent, so although I plan on singing it to Walker babies someday, I still want them to hear it coming from her.

   

{Sorry Jamie I did change one word. I changed blue eyes to brown. Again sorry, but the likely hood of Ryan and I having a blue eyed baby is probably about the same as the likely hood of us conceiving without medical assistance. And that's ok!}

Tomorrow! Tomorrow!

The sun'll come out tomorrow

So you got to hang on 'til tomorrow, came what may!

Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love you, tomorrow

You're always a day away!

 

That song is stuck in my head this morning. I am so excited about tomorrow! Tomorrow is a BIG day for us. A day that will hopefully be the start of a new path in this journey. I admit I have somewhat high expectations of tomorrow. We will see if what everyone says about Dr. Silber and the whole clinic is true. I bet it is! :) Tomorrow will be a success if Ryan and I both leave St. Louis feeling confident, excited and ready for whatever is proposed. This is all I can pray for today!

 

This is a verse that a friend sent me one day, I have read it over and over on this journey:

 

"But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, do not despair, for these things will surely come to pass. Just be patient! They will not be overdue a single day!" Habakkuk 2:3

 

After reading it I tell myself, I am one day closer! I am one day closer to becoming a mother! Each day only brings me closer. Ryan and I have no plans to give up, ever. We know without a shadow of a doubt that we will be parents one day. We would love to have a child of our very own, one that is half him, half me. We also acknowledge that this might not be what God has intended for us. His plan might be for us to love a child that is not biologically ours but created just for us. Anyway that it happens, when it does happen we will be eternally grateful for our blessing and the lessons along the way! The lessons of patience, thankfulness and trust and for growing our relationship in a way that never would have happened without this journey.


We are so lucky to have so many prayer warriors! I have had so many people tell me this month that they have been praying for us and are praying about tomorrow. I am so blessed to have these people in my life. THANK YOU!

And the sun isn't out today in Arkansas, but the weather man says the sun'll come out tomorrow!

 

Our wedding day, little did I know how blessed I really was to be marrying this guy. :)

 

 

A time for everything, everything in its time...

I went ahead and tested this morning knowing that if a "+" appeared it would be only because of divine intervention and a miracle. Of course, it didn't. I was not upset at all because I already knew. It sure did make it easier knowing sooner this time. I hadn't stressed about it any this week. I mean I was heartbroken over the weekend. But after grieving another failed attempt, I did have a pretty great week. It was nice knowing that there was nothing to stress about this week and nothing I had to do. It's also been easier to stay positive knowing that we are going to a different doctor, a better doctor and probably a more aggressive plan with better chances. Don't get me wrong, every now and then the "what if this doesn't work" question pops in my head. But I have been working really hard lately to trust in God's plan for us and not let worry replace this trust. I am not fully there yet but I think I am getting closer! I know that if we do go on to IVF that I will have to give it all over to Him and depend on Him to get us through it and not myself. So I am going to continue to work on this, I have to!

Today's reading from Jesus Calling by Sarah Young:

 

 

Petie and I went for a walk yesterday afternoon. We are so lucky to live where we do. It really is beautiful, quiet and peaceful. I just wish that Mr. Weather would cooperate so that we could enjoy our surroundings every day. I am getting so impatient waiting for it to be warm and stay that way. I need my flowers to bloom and smile at me everyday when I get home and there to be green leaves on the trees. 

 

 

 

 

I am excited for this weekend, the weather is supposed to be perfect for Easter Sunday! I am also excited because I get to see my beautiful niece, Layla. I haven't seen her since Christmas but I have been watching her grow in pictures. Here's a recent picture her mom posted (hope you don't mind +sylvia humphries) She's so darn cute and I can't wait to get my hands on her!