Four Years of Wedded Bliss!

Today is our 4th Anniversary! I feel so blessed! God blessed me so much when he put Ryan in my life! Those of you who really know him know that I am not just going on about him because it's our anniversary and I am feeling mushy or something. Ha. He is a great person, friend, son, husband and teacher! I know without a shadow of doubt, with every cell in my body that he will be one of those AMAZING fathers too! And I am so very proud to be his wife!

He did really good!! This is the first time he has ever bought Jadeite for me. I have been collecting for a while now. I have always wanted one of these milk pitchers. They are one of the more rare objects in the collection. He told me he had told one of the teachers he is close to at school that I collect Jadeite a while back. She said her mom had some that she may want to sell. Mrs. K said that her mom was almost in tears when she let it go. But Mrs. K told her that it should go to someone who collects, that I would appreciate it more than any of them. She told her we would have it for 50 years because we were young! I sure hope so! It will be taken extra care of!

 

And some pics from the best day of my life (so far)...

 

 

 

Come on June!!

So things are going along pretty smoothly. I only have 7 more days of taking birth control!

I have completely quit caffeine now! It was hard but only for about a week.

I have also decided to change the way I eat. I am trying to eat lots of protein and really limit processed foods. It has been hard. I do like meat, eggs, cheese, etc. But I also like bread and junk food! I have been doing better than I thought I could. A study showed women that got at least 25% of their calories from protein had a much higher success rate while undergoing IVF. So I thought I better give it a shot and try, try, try!

So the schedule is still the same:

Birth control through May 28th
Have a period
Ultrasound, blood work @ Mtn. Home and begin Clomid on June 3rd
Follistim shots June 5th, 7th and 9th
Appt with Dr. DeRosa @ St. Louis June 6th (Cardinals game that night! Woohoo!)
Ultrasound, blood work June 7th @ St. Louis
Then probably sent home and told to come back Monday for ultrasound & blood work
Will for sure have an ultrasound & blood work every other day that week, if not everyday until egg retrieval

And for the best news we have received in quite a long while........ looks like insurance is gonna PAY!!! We are so excited. I am trying not to get too excited because I know how things can change so quickly on this infertility roller coaster. But I do feel like shouting it on a rooftop somewhere! THANK YOU GOD!! Thank you for my job that provides insurance. Thank you that I live in Arkansas, one of the states that has laws for infertility coverage. Thank you that those laws apply to my policy.

I am getting so excited about the whole process! No nerves yet. The only thing to be nervous about is egg count and egg quality and then embryo quality. But I haven't started obsessing about that yet. No point!

Kolette and I have started planning Rayleen's shower! It's gonna be super cute! I am excited to have a side project. It still seems a little unreal that she is having a baby. But I cannot wait for the little stinker to get here! She's gonna be soooo spoiled and have the best aunts ever!

Mother's Day Tree

Here's the tree I got on Mother's Day. I ended up going with a red bud. It will have pretty pink blooms in the spring and has heart shaped leaves. :) I planted it close to our driveway, that way it is always there to great us as soon as we turn in. My mom said it is a tree to remember. I am so glad she encouraged me to get one. At first I thought 1} it will die in my yard (not because I wouldn't take care of it but my grandpa's sneaky cow, Carrot gets out anytime she wants) & 2} something else to mow around. Ha. But now that it is there it looks so much better, that spot needed something!

Our target date is less than a month away now! EXCITING!

A little bit of humor.... and Mother's Day!

As I pulled up my MSN homepage and scrolled to the bottom I saw this article. {Read it before you read below if you want what I wrote to make more sense to you. You will have to click through each of the 20 slides}

http://now.msn.com/mommyjacking-when-moms-hijack-your-facebook-feed
 It was titled "20 Moms who should stop posting. NOW" and had a Facebook photo. So it intrigued me. It gave me a good laugh. Yup there are clueless people every where!

Facebook is sometimes a real downer and even hurtful to us infertile gals. Pregnant women complaining about being fat, sick, etc. Moms complaining about their children doing this or that or even having a cold. I realize the 'my child is sick, has a cold, strep' and so on is just them expressing their concern for their children. (I will insert if there is a serious post about a serious medical problem, I do always feel sympathy for the family and pray for them!)

I don't use Facebook as an outlet to inform the public about or complain about my infertility either. That is what the blog is for, so that those close to me can keep updated in this aspect of my life. :) I have never been one to express every thought, worry or action that happens in my day on Facebook. I like to post exciting things, things that make me happy. I like seeing posts from people that are excited or proud of their children, pets, jobs, vacations, family members, favorite teams, etc. Every now and then I will see a post that says something along the lines of how blessed they are when talking about their child(ren). Those are the ones that really make me smile, because they are blessed! And for them to acknowledge that gives me hope. Hope that someday I will be posting about how blessed we are for our child(ren). And sometimes I want to tell some of the moms (or soon-to-be) on Facebook how blessed they are. Just simply type a comment on their negative or complaining statuses, "You are so blessed!" and nothing else. But I don't! Instead I either block their posts from my news feed or de-friend them.

This is one of the many blogs I follow, wrote by a fellow infertile gal. It was a good post of what to do and not to do on Mother's Day.

http://ourmisconception.blogspot.com/2013/05/no-womb-for-mothers-day-this-year.html

I am being honest, I have been dreading Mother's Day. I know I shouldn't and as it gets closer it gets better. I am actually getting more excited about it. (Like everything with me the dreading is usually always worse than the actual event.) After all, I am a mother and I can celebrate that! I still have my mother in my life and both of my grandmothers and Ryan's mom and step mom and I can celebrate that! Thank You Lord for making me a mother to a child that is in your care and thank you for giving me so many wonderful women in my life!

After reading "Hannah's Hope" my mom suggested we plant a tree for our baby (her first grand baby) in Heaven. At first I was a little hesitant. I thought that would just drag up feelings that I felt I had a good grip on. She asked again the other day if I had thought about it and I said "Ya, maybe, we will see". I got to thinking over the weekend (as I was having anxious thoughts about the upcoming weekend) that if I were going to plant a tree that would be a good weekend to do it. It always takes me a while to process things when it comes to 'our struggle'. I have to weigh it all in my head for a while before I can make a decision, little or big. Anyway yesterday I told my mom we could do it on Sunday! That is the plan as of now. Go to town with my mom, get a tree and come home and plant it! Of course Ryan will be digging the hole! His mom is also coming up this weekend and we will spend all day Saturday with her. We are going to look at houses for her and her husband, so that will keep us busy! It is going to be a good weekend after all! All that worry for nothing.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO ALL OF YOU READING!! Thanks for reading and praying! Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!



{Not trying to offend anyone by this post, if you are offended please kindly find something else to read in the future.}  

Update... not much to tell

It's been a while since my last post. Mostly because there hasn't been much to tell. I finally started my cycle and have a day by day plan now!

I started my first birth control pill yesterday and will stay on them until May 28th.

On June 3rd I will begin Clomid and stay on it until I am told to stop.

I will give myself three injections of Follistim on June 5th, 7th and 9th.

My first monitoring appointment, which includes an ultrasound and blood work to measure my follicles and check hormone levels, is June 3rd. The first monitoring appointment I can do at the local hospital.

My second monitoring will be in St. Louis on June 7th. I was told to make an appointment with my assigned OB, Dr. DeRosa. He will be the doctor doing my retrieval. I tried to get it the same day as the monitoring appt, but he isn't in town that day. So I scheduled to meet with him the day before. Which works out just fine! We will have to be in St. Louis extremely early on the 7th, so we can go up the day before meet with the OB and stay the night. AND the Cardinals are playing that night! I already bought our tickets! {EXCITED!!} We will also both have our HIV and hepatitis tests one of these two days.

After that I am not sure, it turns into a day by day basis. My scheduled transfer date is still June 14th but this could vary 1 - 2 days before or after. It all depends on how well my follicles respond to the medications.

Last week I called the insurance coordinator at St. Luke's Hospital (where all the magic will happen). I gave her my insurance information and told her that my policy does cover infertility but I didn't know if I would meet the qualifications or not. I was told a while back by a Blue Cross customer service rep that "two years of unexplained infertility" starts when you first see a doctor about your infertility. I have been so confused by that statement. Because a doctor doesn't normally want to see you for infertility until you meet the definition of infertility which is trying for 12 months without success. So does that mean that I have to try for 12 months on my own and then for another 2 years with the assistance of a doctor? So confusing! That doesn't even make sense, two years of infertility is two years to me! Anyway, she said she would get in contact with my insurance company and let me know at the beginning of this week. I know I shouldn't worry about it, because it will be what it will be. I cannot change it. But again the wait to know is torture. It doesn't matter what the answer is. We are going forward with our plan either way. But if we could actually get some help from insurance that would be such an amazing blessing!

I started a savings account about a year after we married. I told Ryan it was our future home fund. I wanted to save up money for when we built a house and I wanted new furniture or upgrades that weren't in our budget. No most people probably don't think like this. If you know me well enough you know I am a planner and like to prepare. Thank you Lord for making me that way! I am more than happy to spend that money on creating a family than on the material things I intended it for! (He knew what he was doing, I didn't). We have enough money saved up to pay for two, back to back retrievals. I am not trying to be greedy with my money when I say that I hope insurance will help out. Because I am not trying to keep my money, instead I am thinking "ok what if we go through the first two and they are not successful, then we have no savings left?" Which would put more stress on the situation. Not that that would be the end of the journey. Because it wouldn't. We would continue on.

It sure was nice to have a break from the craziness and emotions for a month but I am excited to get started! Yesterday as I took my first birth control pill I moved one step closer! I am looking forward to the next step. June 14th is 39 days away! Some days I still can't believe this is happening!

 

My chalkboard :)

Wait...

At the suggestion of my blogger buddy, Stephanie, I have been reading "Hannah's Hope" by Jennifer Saake. It is truly an amazing book! If you or someone you love is struggling with infertility, adoption or miscarriage, I totally suggest reading this book. I especially suggest reading it if you are searching for more understanding about what someone you love might be experiencing while dealing with any of these struggles. (My mom is wanting to read it when I am done, which is awesome because the author does an amazing job at putting things into perspective from an inside view but also from an outside view.) I wanted to share a poem that the author shares in the book. I don't know how I haven't stumbled across this poem before now.

Wait
by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

 

Amazing, huh?!
 

This poem spoke direct to my heart. In the past two months my heart has changed so much. My faith has grown tremendously. I have been happier than I have been in a long time. I have let things go that I have been holding on to. I have opened up more. I am witnessing growth in myself and all of my relationships.... with God, Ryan, my mother, family, friends, co-workers.... It's amazing. For the first time ever I am truly thankful for this journey!

I have had a few people ask me what's been going on recently. I am just waiting for my next cycle to begin so that I can start birth control pills. Yes, for the first time in two years I am anxiously awaiting my period. Strange that after two years of praying my period doesn't start, I am now wishing it along so that I can start birth control pills. So yup I am patiently waiting and thanking God everyday for this journey and all of my blessings!

{P.S. I plan on doing another post about "Hannah's Hope" when I am done reading, almost to the end!}

 

 

 

 

 

Someday

{WARNING: POSSIBILITY OF TEARS AHEAD}

So a while back a very good friend of mine told me that listening to me talk about all that we had been going through inspired her. She said that although she could not relate to my struggle, she thought about the things I said and tried to place herself in my shoes. She told me that she could never imagine how it feels but that sometimes she turns her thoughts into a song. She wrote a song for me! She said that she didn't know when she would share it with me but that she would someday. I hadn't pressured her at all but yesterday she emailed me her song, "Someday".

Of course I started crying immediately! What an amazing gift to give someone! A gift that I will cherish for the rest of my life. A gift that I will share with my babies and grand babies someday. A gift of friendship and faith. I will be forever thankful for these words!

SOMEDAY

(Verse 1)

I want to look into those brown eyes/

I want to hear you/ to hear those little cries/

Not having you in my life/is just too much to bare/

You're in my every thought and wish/ you’re in my every prayer/

 

(Chorus)

Someday/ my dreams will all come true/

Someday/ I’ll be in this world with you/

Someday/ In my arms you will lay/

Oh I wonder when it will be my someday/

 

(Verse 2)

I’ll count every finger and every toe/

I’ll hold my angel/ and kiss you upon your little nose/

and thank GOD for this blessing/ that He’s sent to me/

Each day you’ll hear how much I love you/ and what you mean to me/

 

(Chorus)

Yes someday/ my dreams will all come true/

Someday/ I’ll be in this world with you/

Someday/ In my arms you will lay/

Lord I know there will be my someday/

 

(Bridge)

10 little fingers/ 10 little toes/

and brown eyes that sparkle/ as I kiss your little nose/

I can’t believe it/ it feels like a dream/

what I’ve wanted so badly/ is looking up at me……/  

 

(Chorus)

Someday/ my dreams have all come true/

Someday/ I am in this world with you/

Someday/ In my arms you now lay/

Thank you God for giving me my Someday

 

Thank you God for giving me my Someday

 

Wow! Amazing right? I think so! Thank you Jamie! I love you!

I know someday she will sing it for me. :) My hope is that she will record it for me too. That way I can play it to my babies. The Lord blessed her with musical talent, so although I plan on singing it to Walker babies someday, I still want them to hear it coming from her.

   

{Sorry Jamie I did change one word. I changed blue eyes to brown. Again sorry, but the likely hood of Ryan and I having a blue eyed baby is probably about the same as the likely hood of us conceiving without medical assistance. And that's ok!}

Poor Ovarian Reserve...

It has taken me a few days to be ready to write this post. For one, it was way too nice out this weekend to be inside on the computer and I have the sunburn and sore muscles to prove it. (But my yard looks much better!) Secondly, I needed processing time.

Before I go into details of my appointment, I want to say I love Dr. Silber and the whole staff! They were all so nice, just like everyone says. I was not disappointed. :)

My ultrasound appointment was at 2:00 and my appointment with Dr. Silber at 3:00. The purpose of the u/s is to look at the ovaries, get an antral follicle count in each ovary and measure the uterine lining. The follicles are where the egg(s) grow and the antral follicle count is an indicator of your remaining reproductive years.

The girl performing my u/s was so sweet. She asked if I had ever had a trans vaginal ultrasound before. I told her yes, close to ten of them! I didn't ask any questions while she was performing the u/s because I knew that she wasn't supposed to tell me anything, that Dr. Silber wanted to know the results and discuss them with me.

When our name was finally called, I was so excited. I knew I was about to meet an amazing person. Someone who has helped so many people. He introduced himself and we sat at a small round table. The first thing he noticed was Ryan's Razorback shirt and Cardinals hat. He commented on them and then gave his brief spill about the infertility epidemic. Then he said something that I was not expecting at all. "Well your antral follicle count was 7, which tells us that you have a low egg reserve." I about fell out of my chair. I looked over at Ryan and he had the same look I am sure I had.

He went on to explain what exactly that meant. Basically I do not have as many eggs as I should at my age and that is why I haven't been able to achieve pregnancy on my own. I asked him what the count should be at my age and he said at least 20! Oh my. He said that I had two in one ovary and five in the other. That the count would vary with each cycle but that I would never have the normal amount. I told him that this was the first time I was ever hearing this (even after going to Little Rock for 6 months and having approximately 8 - 10 previous ultrasounds). I told him that they never told me my follicle count but that they would measure the two or three biggest ones each time. He said that was because the doctor was the one doing the u/s and that they don't take the time with each patient to do a complete ultrasound. [What?!?! Does this make sense at all?!? It took less than 15 minutes and is non-invasive and affordable!]

This is the chart that will forever be burned into my memory, that left a hairline crack in my heart:

I fall in that last line, the line that has a lovely dash under years until last child. But praise the Lord for creating people like Dr. Silber. People's whose passion for science and others has helped people like me fulfill their dreams! I know that from this point forward in our journey that we are in the two most capable sets of hands there is: God's and Dr. Silber's! And for this I am grateful!

His plan for us is to do several back to back cycles of minimal stimulation IVF. He thinks that we will need several cycles in order to retrieve enough eggs and store up as many embryos as possible. Mini IVF is like traditional IVF minus the daily injections of hormones for months. He said that I would not benefit from these high levels of hormones. That the purpose of them is to produce a high egg count for retrieval. But that even with the massive amounts of hormones my body would probably not produce any more eggs than usual. The goal of mini IVF is to recruit a only a few high quality eggs. The harvest, fertilization, culture and transfer of those eggs/embryos does not differ from routine IVF.  We are shooting for quality over quantity! He has hopes that based on my age my eggs should still be of high quality. Of course, there is no guarantee of this. But we won't know until we try and I have to keep the faith and think happy thoughts about my eggs until then!

So here's the way that mini IVF works:

• Call the clinic on day 1 of my next cycle {end of April/beginning of May}
• Begin and end birth control pills on days instructed by my coordinator (sweet Joan), somewhere between 21 to 28 days of birth control pills
• Start period {end of May/beginning of June}
• On day 3 of cycle begin 50mg Clomid and continue until ultrasound monitoring shows the follicles are ready for ovulation
• On days 8, 10, and 12 add in 150iu of Follistim (FSH injections)
• Begin monitoring (blood work and ultrasound) when instructed
• When blood work and ultrasound look good we will do the egg retrieval {target date June 14}
• Eggs that are retrieved will be injected with sperm by a needle (ICSI)
• Resulting embryos will be frozen by new technique of vitrification

Dr. Silber wants us to do the process a few times to get as many embryos frozen as possible before making any transfers. This is because even if we have a handful of embryos there is no guarantee that those embryos will implant in my uterus and form into a baby. And also because if I were to get pregnant within the first couple of transfers (placing embryos in the uterus) I need to have some embryos frozen for future babies. I need to do this in order to insure I will still have a chance of having another child if I become pregnant during the first or second transfer. Because if I was to get pregnant but didn't have any embryos left for the future I may not have any eggs by the time we are ready for another child.

I am hoping we will get several excellent embryos and not have to do more than 3 rounds of retrieval. He would be happy if we could get at least 4 or 5 eggs during each retrieval and even more happy if all or most fertilize and turn into embryos. This is where we will find out the quality of my eggs. The number of eggs retrieved each time will vary as will the embryo count. The goal at this point in the journey is not to get pregnant but to get as many Walker baby embryos frozen as we can!

After Dr. Silber and we are comfortable with the amount of frozen embryos we will do a transfer. The number of embryos transferred would depend on the quality of the embryo. These are things to be determined. However, they will not preform a transfer until 3 months have passed since your last retrieval. Therefore, we are looking at winter as the earliest possibility of a transfer.

I tried to explain it the best way I could but if you would like to learn more you can go to Dr. Silber's website: http://www.infertile.com/infertility-treatments/ivf-in-vitro-fertilization.htm

There will be more posts once I get more information. I expect our huge package of detailed instructions at the beginning of next week. The inpatient, information starved side of me wishes I had this in my hand already! But the side of me that will get me through this says "one day at a time!"

Side note: I went to bed early last night because Ryan was watching the NCAA championship game and I was exhausted. Anyway when he did come to bed he went on about how good the game was and then said "Oh and I read your blog. It is really good babe." :) :) :) I had told him a couple of weeks ago when I started it but he never asked to read it and I never asked or pressured him to. This melted my heart. Again thank you God for him!

Tomorrow! Tomorrow!

The sun'll come out tomorrow

So you got to hang on 'til tomorrow, came what may!

Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love you, tomorrow

You're always a day away!

 

That song is stuck in my head this morning. I am so excited about tomorrow! Tomorrow is a BIG day for us. A day that will hopefully be the start of a new path in this journey. I admit I have somewhat high expectations of tomorrow. We will see if what everyone says about Dr. Silber and the whole clinic is true. I bet it is! :) Tomorrow will be a success if Ryan and I both leave St. Louis feeling confident, excited and ready for whatever is proposed. This is all I can pray for today!

 

This is a verse that a friend sent me one day, I have read it over and over on this journey:

 

"But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, do not despair, for these things will surely come to pass. Just be patient! They will not be overdue a single day!" Habakkuk 2:3

 

After reading it I tell myself, I am one day closer! I am one day closer to becoming a mother! Each day only brings me closer. Ryan and I have no plans to give up, ever. We know without a shadow of a doubt that we will be parents one day. We would love to have a child of our very own, one that is half him, half me. We also acknowledge that this might not be what God has intended for us. His plan might be for us to love a child that is not biologically ours but created just for us. Anyway that it happens, when it does happen we will be eternally grateful for our blessing and the lessons along the way! The lessons of patience, thankfulness and trust and for growing our relationship in a way that never would have happened without this journey.


We are so lucky to have so many prayer warriors! I have had so many people tell me this month that they have been praying for us and are praying about tomorrow. I am so blessed to have these people in my life. THANK YOU!

And the sun isn't out today in Arkansas, but the weather man says the sun'll come out tomorrow!

 

Our wedding day, little did I know how blessed I really was to be marrying this guy. :)

 

 

A time for everything, everything in its time...

I went ahead and tested this morning knowing that if a "+" appeared it would be only because of divine intervention and a miracle. Of course, it didn't. I was not upset at all because I already knew. It sure did make it easier knowing sooner this time. I hadn't stressed about it any this week. I mean I was heartbroken over the weekend. But after grieving another failed attempt, I did have a pretty great week. It was nice knowing that there was nothing to stress about this week and nothing I had to do. It's also been easier to stay positive knowing that we are going to a different doctor, a better doctor and probably a more aggressive plan with better chances. Don't get me wrong, every now and then the "what if this doesn't work" question pops in my head. But I have been working really hard lately to trust in God's plan for us and not let worry replace this trust. I am not fully there yet but I think I am getting closer! I know that if we do go on to IVF that I will have to give it all over to Him and depend on Him to get us through it and not myself. So I am going to continue to work on this, I have to!

Today's reading from Jesus Calling by Sarah Young:

 

 

Petie and I went for a walk yesterday afternoon. We are so lucky to live where we do. It really is beautiful, quiet and peaceful. I just wish that Mr. Weather would cooperate so that we could enjoy our surroundings every day. I am getting so impatient waiting for it to be warm and stay that way. I need my flowers to bloom and smile at me everyday when I get home and there to be green leaves on the trees. 

 

 

 

 

I am excited for this weekend, the weather is supposed to be perfect for Easter Sunday! I am also excited because I get to see my beautiful niece, Layla. I haven't seen her since Christmas but I have been watching her grow in pictures. Here's a recent picture her mom posted (hope you don't mind +sylvia humphries) She's so darn cute and I can't wait to get my hands on her!