September 6th It Is!

Our next egg retrieval target date is set.... September 6th it is!

I started my first birth control pill yesterday. Here's the schedule for this round (same protocol as last time):

July 28th: Start birth control pills

August 20th: Last birth control pill

August 26th: Start Clomid; Start Stim Monitoring locally (hopefully it will go smoother than last time)

August 28th: Start Follistim injections, every other day until told to stop

August 30th: 1st Stim Monitoring in St. Louis

September 2nd: Back to St. Louis for Stim Monitoring until Egg Retrieval

September 6th: Targeted Egg Retrieval Date, could be before or after (last time retrieval was on target date)

Last time once I started the medication (bc pills) time started to fly by. It helped to have something to actively do each day (even if it is only taking a tiny pill). I hope that is the case this time too! I am still praying hard that this time will go just as good as last time.

It's All You'll Ever Know

Today is my due date for our baby. Our baby that was conceived with our first insemination attempt on November 2nd. We found out we were expecting on November 15th and I miscarried on November 25th. Sometimes November seems like it was a year or more ago and sometimes it feels like it was just a few months ago. I think it feels like such a long time ago because so much has happened since then. We went through 4 more unsuccessful inseminations after that, the last being in March. I had my consult with Dr. Silber in St. Louis in April. Then we spent time waiting and preparing for June 14th, my first retrieval. So to say we haven't been busy the last 9 months would be an understatement.

I haven't ever shared on my blog my experience and what took place that day, November 25th. I have never felt like I could. It's just too personal, maybe someday I will. I have read tons of miscarriage stories in the blog world, some from my close circle of blog friends. They are all horrible. They all make me cry and cringe. They all make the flashbacks come back. They all break my heart. They all make me re-live the moment. They all make me feel helpless again. These stories make me feel like it was just yesterday.

I've known this day was coming. I have thought about this day several times in the last 9 months. I have told myself I do not want to be sad on this day! I want to be happy. I want to be thankful that all our baby has ever known is Heaven. I am comforted in knowing this and knowing that our baby was surely greeted by his/her great uncle. You see Ryan's uncle, Ricky, went to Heaven just two days earlier. And I know that Ricky had the biggest smile on his face when he saw our baby. And that he introduced our baby to his/her cousins, his son Joe Derek and their baby that was born to Heaven as well. When I picture Heaven, I see him walking around with all these rug rats and they are all having the biggest time. And that comforts me.

I want to share with you the words to a song that helped me grieve and let go. I still listen to it when I need to be reminded. I still cry every time but now it is a happy cry. A thank you cry. I encourage you to look it up online or on your phone and listen to it! It is the most beautiful song I have ever heard. It is called "Glory Baby" by Watermark.

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…

BRIDGE:
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

 

 





Every word of this song rings true to me. I believe in every word of this song. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about you baby. I know you are safe. I know that you are happy. I know that you are home. I know that we will hold you one day. We love you and your four brothers/sisters!

 

I borrowed this image from my friend Stephanie's blog. I thank God for our friendship! He truly brought us together. She is a beautiful person and writer. I found her blog back in March, almost 4 months to the day of our loss. Sitting at home alone, I read her entire blog. You see I was still stuck in the haze at the time. I hadn't REALLY allowed myself to grieve our loss yet. But as I read her post "A Gift from God" I let go. I really LET GO! I cried and cried and when I was done crying and done reading I felt like a different person. I felt like I could move on. She too suffered a loss. At the time we found each other we were at about the same stage in the journey: no diagnosis, failed inseminations, praying for a miracle. We both finally received diagnoses, the same diagnosis and within in weeks of each other! We both learned that to have children it would take IVF. Her procedure was only a week after mine. They did a fresh transfer and now she is pregnant with twins and I am so over the moon happy for her! She is still giving me hope! So you can see why I thank God for our friendship!

I still thank God for this journey, for all the things we have learned along the way, for the way He has brought our relationship to another level, the way He has strengthened my trust in Him and for all the blessings He has given us along the way!

Happy 35th Birthday Louise!

Today is Louise Brown's 35th Birthday! She is the world's first IVF baby!!! Can you imagine being the parents to the first IVF baby? Back then they called her the test tube baby. I guess some people still do call IVF babies that. Although it is not a tube it is a petri dish people! It has never been a tube. So if you want to be correct call them petri dish babies! It sounds so much cuter that way. :) I personally prefer miracle babies but each to their own. Ha.

Anyway I am just so grateful for the medical pioneers and the couples over the years that took the chance on this new fangled idea of IVF which allowed the science to grow and prosper for the rest of us! And thank you God for allowing it all to happen!

Robert Edwards was the doctor who helped bring Louise into the world.

 

I started my cycle yesterday! I have a call in to Joan, my coordinator. I am awaiting her call back with instructions! Excited!! I will post again tomorrow. Tomorrow is a special day!

Confessions

I am guilty. I have some confessions.

#1) I have been impatient. Some moments I find myself wishing my summer away. I am so ready to be back at St. Louis for our 2nd retrieval. I know it will go by faster than I think. I looked at the calendar this morning and realized it had already been 24 days since our 1st retrieval! It doesn't seem like it has been that long. {Guilty because God's timing is perfect!}

#2) I have allowed the enemy to creep in during my weak moments. Meaning I have played the "what-ifs?". What-if my embryos don't survive the freeze? What if we don't get as many or none the 2nd time? Would my embryos have kept growing if I was doing a 5 day transfer? What if I do get pregnant and miscarry? It could be never ending if I let it. {Guilty because I should not doubt God's plan or the miracles He has already created!}

#3) I have been horrible at sticking to my diet!! I have got to get back to it. It is super important to me. I still want to do the best I can do for this 2nd retrieval. I have been doing lots of research. I am considering taking Royal Jelly. (Sounds gross but it is secreted from the glands in the heads of worker bees). It is supposed to help with egg health and has a ton of other health benefits. Dr. Oz recommends it to everyone (it is also supposed to reduce and prevent signs of aging). I also need to get back to my fertility yoga! I am so ashamed of my lack of obedience! {Guilty because I should not ask the best of my doctors and my Father if I am not willing to put forth my best as well!}

Whew, I feel better! I know I don't need to confess any of that to my readers but I want to be real. I want to share the thoughts and emotions that come with infertility. I have happy thoughts too (like I cannot wait to meet one of those babies in the picture!, I hope we have twins!, I am gonna do even better with the 2nd retrieval!). I am so thankful for Dr. Silber, Dr. DeRosa, Joan, the entire staff that has had anything to do with our process so far and for those 4 beautiful blessings!  I look at the picture of my babies everyday. I wonder if they are boy or girl and what they would/will look like.

We had a good 4th of July and weekend. I got to babysit my niece, Layla, all day Saturday and we celebrated my sister's 27th birthday with all of the family on Sunday. Sunday's sermon was about Abraham and Sarah and waiting! It was great and just what I needed to hear. (I don't want to sound self-centered but it made me feel like it was meant only for me and that I was the only one in the room.)

I found this on another infertility blog and just loved it!

A Wonderful Post from Another Blogger

This post is from a blogger that I just recently started following. She has a little girl thanks to IVF. She also had two miscarriages before IVF. Her story is really sweet and beautiful.

If you have some time you should read this post she wrote yesterday! It made my heart and face smile.

http://teachmetobraid.blogspot.com/2013/06/forgetfulness.html

I hope some day I get to be on this side of the journey with her. I am so thankful for the blogger community, it has been the greatest coping tool for me in the last 6 months. I have encountered so many great women. I love reading all their stories and feel such a strong connection with them.

I pray everyday for all couples on the same journey as we are! I pray that God makes their empty arms full of life!

Love At First Sight

I was so happy when I got home and checked the mail yesterday!! There was an envelope from Dr. Silber's office. I knew what was inside, a picture of our babies!!! I tried to stay calm as I was trying to get the darn envelope open, I knew I had to be careful and not damage the work of art enclosed. :)

Here they are in all their glory, wonder and beauty!!

I am in LOVE!

 

 

Thank You God for these precious tiny miracles! Thank You for giving others the science and knowledge to create these microscopic blessings! They each have 23 chromosomes from mommy and 23 from daddy. Their gender is already determined too, but only God knows that right now! :)

 

I got to thinking last night as I was looking at this photo. How neat is it that someday we may get to show our baby(ies) this photo and tell them the story of them? And how so many people prayed and prayed for them before they were even in mommy's belly. And how mommy and daddy knew them and loved them so much, even when they were smaller than the size of the period at the end of this sentence. This is a gift. Not many people get to see their babies at 3 days old! :)



In other news, my sister's baby shower is tomorrow! I am so excited! Kolette and I have lots of work to do, making everything pretty and yummy!

Decision

So we have been doing a lot of thinking over the past two nights, more so last night. I think Monday night and all day yesterday I was on a high and that was affecting my critical thinking. I just kept thinking okay everything went so well, let's do a transfer! But then logical Kandie kicked in. I called and talked to Joan and asked a few questions. I talked to Ryan and we laid it all out, the pros and cons. After talking and thinking we decided the best option would be to do another retrieval. After all this is what Dr. Silber suggested from the beginning. He is the expert. He is the one who sees patients in our situation all the time. He knows what works and what is best. I have had full confidence in him since the day we met and I still do.

Here's the facts:

Pros of a 2nd Retrieval:

• Each embryo has approximately a 25% chance of implanting and resulting in pregnancy
• If we put in two at a time, the chance of pregnancy then becomes 50%
• If you do the math, that means on average 1 in 4 embryos make it
• We only have 4, even though we are thrilled with that number and the possibility of 4 babies, there is also a possibility that all 4 will not make it, then we would be back a square one
• I think it would be harder on us to move a step back, in other words if we did 2 transfers and both were unsuccessful it would be emotionally and physically exhausting to start over
• If we were to go ahead with a transfer now we know we only have 2 chances
• If we do another retrieval we will have more than 2 chances (if everything goes well)
• It would be less stressful going in to a transfer knowing that you have more than two shots at it
• What's two more months of my life at this point!
• My eggs are the youngest and best they will be right now. If I was to get pregnant with one of the four embryos and then wanted another baby later that would put my eggs being 2 plus years older before I could do another retrieval. The quality will be less and so will the quantity.

Pros of Going Ahead with a Transfer:

• Ryan wouldn't have to be off several days of work right at the beginning of the school year (except for the transfer day)
• I wouldn't have to be off a whole week plus, just 2 - 3 days at the most (I am completely out of vacation hours but luckily I have a boss and employer who are okay with me taking unpaid leave)
• If I did a transfer it would probably be at the end of September beginning of October and if I was to get pregnant I would be due next Summer, which would be convenient for a teacher's wife
• It would be less money, less travel, lodging, dining, etc. (Honest I am not worried about money, but it would be less money.)
• I am not sure yet when insurance will quit paying. I did fail to mention in my post about insurance that the lifetime limit for fertility coverage is $15,000. I know that there is a good possiblity of going over this amount with two retrievals plus medication for transfers. But that's okay too. I am willing to spend all of my savings for a miracle! For the first retrieval we were out of pocket my deductible plus Dr. Silber's fee of $5,000
• The fee for the second retrieval is $4,000. (This is discounted $1,000 if you do back-to-back retrievals.) I am not sure if any or how much of the $5,000 or $4,000 that I will get back. Dr. Silber does not participate in any insurance networks. For out-of-network my insurance has an a seperate $6,000 deductible not counting my already met deductible of $3000. I would have met most of this with the first check of $5,000.
• If I am looking at out of network coverage right, then I should get back 80% of $3,000 of the $4,000 as long as the claim is accepted. I am still not sure that it will be.
• I should also mention that these fees, the $5,000 & $4,000, each include one transfer and storage of embryos for a year. The only cost we should incur at transfer would be for medications.
• In other words, if it is going to take more than one retrieval for us to have our children it would be best to get it in this year since the in-network deductible is met and hopefully the out-of-network deductible will be too!  

So that's it! A lot of info, a hard decision! But we have to make the choice that we are most comfortable with and I feel like this is it.

As for now, I should get my period in the next 5 to 10 days. I won't do or take anything from the start of this period to the next one (which should fall at the end of July). After I get my period in July we will know a target date. It will be either the last week of August or the first week of September. All medications will be the same. I will start birth control, Clomid and Follistim shots after my July period and we will go from there!

Now I have work to do figuring out more insurance info! One step at a time!

P.S. I love my husband so much! He is always so calm, collected, upbeat and supportive. I really believe I could not have made it this far if I was married to anyone else! God handpicked him for me! The first thing he said to me Monday night when I hung up with Joan was "Good job baby, I am so proud of you! I told you you had good eggs!" That meant the world to me, for him to acknowledge my biggest achievement in life thus far! (I know there are bigger ones to come!)

The Best Day of My Life!

Just a quick post because I am too emotional to write too much. 

Joan called and said out of the 5 eggs, 4 were mature enough to fertilize. She said that all 4 fertilize and froze! I could not believe my ears! She said "you know you had one of those cycle that doesn't happen very often." She was so happy for us. I asked how many cells they were and she said 3 were 8 celled and 1 was 7 celled but that it looked really good! 

Thank you God! You have been so good to me! Thank you friends and family who sent up countless prayers! 

She asked what we wanted to do next, another retrieval or a transfer. She said that I just needed to call her when we decided. I will have to think long and hard. 

But right now we are gonna go eat some pizza to celebrate! Celebrating that we now have 4 babies!! 

Waiting

I decided to wait! I called first thing this morning to leave a message for Joan to call after 4:00 and instructed Ryan to be home by then! I knew that if I didn't call first and she called me that I might give in to the temptation or would tell her to call back and be analyzing how her voice sounded all day. Was she upbeat or was she sympathetic??  I just really think this moment should be shared by the both of us! Whether we have 5 or 1 baby(ies) growing strong, I want us to be there together to hear about them! I am not willing to let myself believe that there will be less than 1!

Yes I am nervous, yes this day is going to drag on! I don't know what to expect. Everyone keeps telling me it is going to be good news, I hope so! I have a number that has been in my head since Friday morning, before I even spoke to the doctor. We will see if my intuition is right!? I will be ok if it is more than that number but I will be ok no matter what....

Home!

We are home! I am doing well. I am a little light headed and have a bad headache but other than that not too bad. I am so happy to be at home in my recliner. Ha.

I am so glad we got to come home today instead of tomorrow! 

So what do you all think???... Should I tell my coordinator to call after work so I can be with Ryan or should I just bite the bullet and let her tell me fist thing??? This is what I will be thinking about all weekend! If it's disappointing news I want/need to be with Ryan but then also I am so anxious and that will just be that much longer to wait... Feel free to comment! I know y'all are reading! :) I have come this far... everything has been so smooth the last two weeks that it makes me nervous if I let myself think.

Side positive note: Ryan told me this morning before we left for the hospital that he had a dream we had twins, one boy, one girl. Then as we were waiting on the doctors to come in my room to send me back I was flipping through the tv channels and came along a show about twins on TLC. They were newborn, tiny. I kept flipping and low and behold I came across some channel for new moms. There was a woman breast feeding twins (one on each breast)!! (They were teaching the various techniques). Anyway as we were eating lunch (finally), Ryan's mom called and said she had to tell me something before she forgot again. She said that Ryan's sister had called a couple days ago telling her that she had a dream I was pregnant and nobody told her. When she ran into me and asked I told her I was pregnant with twins, a boy and girl!! 

So do you all believe in signs?! I do, I think God gives us signs sometimes. Maybe for hope, encouragement or guidance. Not saying that we will have twins but these little things are what keeps my hope alive! And I am thankful for them! 

Funny thing about another sign... The very first thing I bought "baby related" was after about two months of trying (approximately two years ago). It was a "My First Cardinals Tee" baby shirt. There it was staring me in the face the whole time! It even says "St. Louis" on it. I have looked at the thing countless times. I thought about giving it to a handful of moms that got pregnant in those two years but something inside of me couldn't let it go. I have held it and cried. I have laid it out so I would see it everyday to stuff it away a few days later. Granted I know it's not too much of a coincident since Ryan and I are such big fans. But really when you think about it, it is the only clothing item I have bought for our future baby.  

Here it is, isn't it cute?!?

Well there was one other clothing item, the red Tiny Toms I bought in November when I found out I was pregnant. I was going to use them for a Christmas card announcing our pregnancy. I miscarried before I got them in the mail. When I came home and they were sitting on the steps I immediately stuffed them under my bed. I didn't even open the UPS box they came in. Ha, they could be pink or glittery for all I know! My due date for that Angel is July 26th! Wow! 

Anyway I know I will open them someday. Maybe the day I find out I am pregnant. Although I may need another pair! Here's hoping, praying and dreaming about that moment! 

Hope you all have a great weekend! Work buddies I will see you Monday!