Monday, November 25, 2013

A Year Ago Today

I have been spending a lot of my time over the past month reflecting on all that has happened in the last year.

There have been so many dates I knew where coming. Dates marking one year anniversaries from things that happened in 2012.

November 2nd: My 1st (of 5) IUIs (inseminations) at Little Rock. The one that worked!

November 15th: The day I found out that I was in fact pregnant!

November 25th: The day I miscarried.

It's been a year today. Sometimes it seems like 2 or 3 years ago. I have been dreading this day. I thought I would come to work in tears and be blue all day and have to try to keep myself together. But luckily for me I got it all out in a huge bawl fest Saturday evening. Today I feel okay and I am okay with that.

You see Saturday I decided we should put up our outdoor Christmas lights and drag the tree and all other decor out. After I came in from getting the lights hung I started digging through the boxes. I came across this little bird nest ornament.

It was the ornament I bought November 2nd. The day of my first insemination. For those of you that don't know how an insemination works, you show up at the clinic bright and early. Husband drops off his contribution of the baby making necessities and then you have about an hour until they want you back. In this time Ryan would usually get something to eat (Krispy Kreme) and I would run in a store. I saw this ornament and thought how cute, two little eggs. How fitting. I was hoping my body was working to release one or even two eggs at the time. I came out to the car and told Ryan I had bought it for good luck.
As soon as I pulled it out of the box of other ornaments the tears started flowing, followed by sobbing and praying out loud. (Thankfully Ryan had gone to feed. I don't like to let him see me this way. Because he can't fix it and I try to hold it in when he is around.)
So I am thankful. Thankful that my wonderful husband agreed to pull out our Christmas stuff even though he is a firm believer in not putting anything up until after Thanksgiving. Thankful that I have this ornament. Thankful that I got to grieve at home and not at work. Thankful that this year is behind me. Thankful that I have 8 babies waiting on their chance to come home with mom and dad.
This will always be my favorite ornament ever. It will always be placed in the most noticeable spot on my tree.
This is the only picture I have of us together when I was pregnant. It was taken last Thanksgiving. I was over the moon happy that day. I couldn't quit smiling and thinking about the future. I can't wait to have that feeling again! (Hopefully in 32 days!)

Good bye worst year of my life!! Hello things to come!

Monday, November 18, 2013

Less than a month away from the big day...

Well the count down is on! 28 days until my transfer date. Oh my!

First I want to apologize to my faithful readers - sorry I haven't posted in over 7 weeks! But there hasn't been much to say (other than a couple of bad days I have had here and there when I thought about posting my internal rantings). All I have been doing in terms of preparing for my transfer is taking stupid birth control pills. I say stupid because they make me feel crummy but luckily Thursday is my last day of those!

Over the last two months I have been keeping busy with my sister, crafting things up for our side business and preparing for our annual craft show. It takes a ton of time to prepare for the show but I was grateful for the distraction. Up until last week I hadn't stressed at all about my upcoming transfer. Not gonna lie, since last Monday there have been times I thought about it so much I thought I would throw up. I wish there was an off switch for the wandering part of our brains. One moment I feel so happy and confident about whats to come and think how could this not be our time? The next moment doubt creeps in and I wonder how I will handle the disappointment and where we could run off to for a few days to escape. AHHH! So I have to work on the positive thinking and deep breathing.

Today I start my daily 10 units of Lupron injection in the stomach. I take these shots up through December 12th. These shots are not bad, I use a tiny insulin needle for them. On November 29th I start my estrogen in pill and patch form. I take two Estrace pills twice a day and start my Vivelle dots. I apply 3 of them to my stomach and switch them out every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I will continue both forms of estrogen up until the pregnancy test (December 27th). If the test is positive I will continue both forms for 10 - 12 weeks after the test. All of this medicine is to get my uterus on her A game and for her to be the best she can be for December 16th!

On Monday, December 9th I will go to my local hospital for a blood hormone panel and an ultrasound to measure my uterine lining. On Friday, December 13th I will drive to St. Louis for another ultrasound measurement of my lining. Also on December 13th I start the oh-so-dreaded PIO (progesterone in oil) shots. I really don't even want to go into why I dread them right now but let's just say the needle is long and think. I will post about those shots closer to time. These shots like the estrogen will continue until my test on December 27th and will continue for 10 weeks after if the test is positive. We will repeat the test again on December 30th to make sure the numbers are doubling if the first test was positive.

That Friday the plan is for my sister to ride with me to St. Louis and back. My transfer is on Monday morning, so Ryan and I will go up Sunday afternoon. After the transfer I am instructed to go back to my room and be on bed rest for 24 hours. I am only supposed to get up to use the bathroom. I will be hitting up a Redbox the night before and loading up on snacks. Sometime Tuesday we should be able to drive home and I plan to be back at work Wednesday. There will be 11 days in between my transfer date and my first test date. At least it's not a full two weeks! But those are going to be the longest 11 days ever and Christmas will be right in the mix of them! Speaking of Christmas, I have told myself this year I am not stressing about finding everyone the perfect gift and am not spending tons of money. It's not worth it and it clearly states in my orders from Dr. Silber no added stress after December 16th!

So that's where we are, lots to remember, lots to stress over! All prayers and words of encouragement are welcomed! :) Especially prayers for sanity! Although how does a gal that is pumping herself full of estrogen and progesterone all while waiting to see if the one thing she has wanted for the past 29 months is finally going to happen?! Poor Ryan, pray for him too.