Monday, November 25, 2013

A Year Ago Today

I have been spending a lot of my time over the past month reflecting on all that has happened in the last year.

There have been so many dates I knew where coming. Dates marking one year anniversaries from things that happened in 2012.

November 2nd: My 1st (of 5) IUIs (inseminations) at Little Rock. The one that worked!

November 15th: The day I found out that I was in fact pregnant!

November 25th: The day I miscarried.

It's been a year today. Sometimes it seems like 2 or 3 years ago. I have been dreading this day. I thought I would come to work in tears and be blue all day and have to try to keep myself together. But luckily for me I got it all out in a huge bawl fest Saturday evening. Today I feel okay and I am okay with that.

You see Saturday I decided we should put up our outdoor Christmas lights and drag the tree and all other decor out. After I came in from getting the lights hung I started digging through the boxes. I came across this little bird nest ornament.

It was the ornament I bought November 2nd. The day of my first insemination. For those of you that don't know how an insemination works, you show up at the clinic bright and early. Husband drops off his contribution of the baby making necessities and then you have about an hour until they want you back. In this time Ryan would usually get something to eat (Krispy Kreme) and I would run in a store. I saw this ornament and thought how cute, two little eggs. How fitting. I was hoping my body was working to release one or even two eggs at the time. I came out to the car and told Ryan I had bought it for good luck.
As soon as I pulled it out of the box of other ornaments the tears started flowing, followed by sobbing and praying out loud. (Thankfully Ryan had gone to feed. I don't like to let him see me this way. Because he can't fix it and I try to hold it in when he is around.)
So I am thankful. Thankful that my wonderful husband agreed to pull out our Christmas stuff even though he is a firm believer in not putting anything up until after Thanksgiving. Thankful that I have this ornament. Thankful that I got to grieve at home and not at work. Thankful that this year is behind me. Thankful that I have 8 babies waiting on their chance to come home with mom and dad.
This will always be my favorite ornament ever. It will always be placed in the most noticeable spot on my tree.
This is the only picture I have of us together when I was pregnant. It was taken last Thanksgiving. I was over the moon happy that day. I couldn't quit smiling and thinking about the future. I can't wait to have that feeling again! (Hopefully in 32 days!)

Good bye worst year of my life!! Hello things to come!