Friday, July 26, 2013

It's All You'll Ever Know

Today is my due date for our baby. Our baby that was conceived with our first insemination attempt on November 2nd. We found out we were expecting on November 15th and I miscarried on November 25th. Sometimes November seems like it was a year or more ago and sometimes it feels like it was just a few months ago. I think it feels like such a long time ago because so much has happened since then. We went through 4 more unsuccessful inseminations after that, the last being in March. I had my consult with Dr. Silber in St. Louis in April. Then we spent time waiting and preparing for June 14th, my first retrieval. So to say we haven't been busy the last 9 months would be an understatement.

I haven't ever shared on my blog my experience and what took place that day, November 25th. I have never felt like I could. It's just too personal, maybe someday I will. I have read tons of miscarriage stories in the blog world, some from my close circle of blog friends. They are all horrible. They all make me cry and cringe. They all make the flashbacks come back. They all break my heart. They all make me re-live the moment. They all make me feel helpless again. These stories make me feel like it was just yesterday.

I've known this day was coming. I have thought about this day several times in the last 9 months. I have told myself I do not want to be sad on this day! I want to be happy. I want to be thankful that all our baby has ever known is Heaven. I am comforted in knowing this and knowing that our baby was surely greeted by his/her great uncle. You see Ryan's uncle, Ricky, went to Heaven just two days earlier. And I know that Ricky had the biggest smile on his face when he saw our baby. And that he introduced our baby to his/her cousins, his son Joe Derek and their baby that was born to Heaven as well. When I picture Heaven, I see him walking around with all these rug rats and they are all having the biggest time. And that comforts me.

I want to share with you the words to a song that helped me grieve and let go. I still listen to it when I need to be reminded. I still cry every time but now it is a happy cry. A thank you cry. I encourage you to look it up online or on your phone and listen to it! It is the most beautiful song I have ever heard. It is called "Glory Baby" by Watermark.

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…
Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do
Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

Every word of this song rings true to me. I believe in every word of this song. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about you baby. I know you are safe. I know that you are happy. I know that you are home. I know that we will hold you one day. We love you and your four brothers/sisters!

I borrowed this image from my friend Stephanie's blog. I thank God for our friendship! He truly brought us together. She is a beautiful person and writer. I found her blog back in March, almost 4 months to the day of our loss. Sitting at home alone, I read her entire blog. You see I was still stuck in the haze at the time. I hadn't REALLY allowed myself to grieve our loss yet. But as I read her post "A Gift from God" I let go. I really LET GO! I cried and cried and when I was done crying and done reading I felt like a different person. I felt like I could move on. She too suffered a loss. At the time we found each other we were at about the same stage in the journey: no diagnosis, failed inseminations, praying for a miracle. We both finally received diagnoses, the same diagnosis and within in weeks of each other! We both learned that to have children it would take IVF. Her procedure was only a week after mine. They did a fresh transfer and now she is pregnant with twins and I am so over the moon happy for her! She is still giving me hope! So you can see why I thank God for our friendship!

I still thank God for this journey, for all the things we have learned along the way, for the way He has brought our relationship to another level, the way He has strengthened my trust in Him and for all the blessings He has given us along the way!