Catch Up!

It's been a while since my last post. I haven't done a very good job at documenting pregnancy like I figured I would. So I am making a catch up post.

We chose a name! She is Birdie Claire Walker!

I first felt her move on April 21st and daddy felt her on April 24th. Two of the best days of this pregnancy! She moves a lot now. At first it seemed she really had a pattern of kicking and dancing, usually around 8:00 in the morning, 4:00 in the afternoon and right at bedtime but now it is still those times plus many more times during the day. Even after feeling movement, it still seems a little unreal that a baby is growing in my belly.

Mother's Day was a good day. Last year at Mother's Day I had so many emotions, I was thinking about the baby we lost and how far along in that pregnancy I would have been, about my sister being able to celebrate the growing baby in her belly, about our upcoming IVF plans.... This year I thought about both our babies, the one still growing and the one with Jesus. I cried tears of sadness when I thought about how big he or she may be now and how fun it would be to see our baby with our niece Harley (due about a month apart). I cried tears of joy knowing that baby was safe and happy and where God intended it to be. I cried and thanked God for the baby that is here and growing still. But mostly I thought about all the wonderful people out there still waiting for God to unfold His plan to grow their families and I cried for and prayed for them. I thought about all the blog gals I follow, the ones who have experienced losses in the last year, the ones who are now expecting, the ones who are still fighting to achieve their first pregnancy, the ones who have moved on to another step (different doctors, embryo adoptions, starting the adoption process) and I prayed that they would have a good day.

Ryan surprised me with a gift that day. I have wanted a windmill for my yard for a long time and he finally got me one! We put it together after church that Sunday.

 

23 weeks, 2 days on Mother's Day

 

A few weeks ago was our 5 year anniversary! We celebrated our anniversary the way we do every year, a Cardinal's game! It was Birdie's first trip back to St. Louis, the first of many for our future Cardinal fan. I can't wait to see her in red sitting on her daddy's lap at the games! And her first game was a win!

 

 

24 weeks, 1 day



Her room has been a work in progress for the last month: bead board and trim installed and painted, my friend Dawnesea sewed all her crib bedding (crib skirt, sheet, quilt, pillows, and changing pad cover, she's also making a poof and adding some ruffles on curtains for me! Birdie's so lucky to have her as a buddy), a new light fixture went up, crib got put together, the glider came in, and a new closet system was installed to maximize space.

 

Here's a couple of sneak peek pictures:

 

I love how the bead board turned out (no we didn't do that part ourselves), the wall color is Sherwin Williams Dewey

 

The first thing hung in her closet had to be the very first baby item I bought 3 summers ago, her first Cardinal shirt :)

 

I love her bed and bedding. This phone picture doesn't do it justice.

 

Other pregnancy related happenings....

 

I've started experiencing big feet and ankles! My feet and ankles started swelling up 2 weeks ago. I was worried that it was too early for me to start swelling but the doctor says it is normal as long as I didn't have other side effects with it and I don't. I decided to go back to the chiropractor and get adjusted and that helped a lot. The swelling comes and goes, however I am pretty sure my feet have grew a 1/2 or whole size. Most of my shoes are too tight to wear. I tried on several sandals this weekend and no luck, they are too tight on the top of my feet. So it is probably going to be a summer of flip flops everyday. 

 

I can tell my hormones have changed, everything makes me cry, happy stuff and sad stuff, tv and songs, pretty much anything! I have never been much of a crier until now. Saturday I heard the song "I Loved Her First" and started crying immediately and that turned into a long sobbing boohoo! At the end of the song there is a line "someday you might know what I'm going through, when a miracle smiles up at you". Ahhh, I can't wait to see our miracle smiling up at her daddy and watch him fall in love that second. I am crying typing this.  

 

My last doctor appointment was last Thursday, it was also my glucose and anemia screening. The doctor appointment went fine, he said everything is going as expected. A friend that works at the clinic got the ultrasound tech to do a quick scan for us before we left. I was so excited. I thought surely we will get a good profile shot this time and a between the legs shot that didn't have a ? beside girl. Nope! She was laying in the same position as last time. She likes those hands over her face. I still couldn't make out any features on the screen except seeing her arm and mouth move. Also she had her legs closer together than last time, so the tech couldn't see anything in that area! Ha, stinker. Friday I got the call that I was borderline anemic and needed to start iron supplements and that I had failed my glucose screening by 3 points. I was afraid of that. I cried the entire drive home then I sucked it up and remembered how lucky I still am. So now I have to take the 3 hour test where you drink the gross koolaid 3 times and they draw your blood 3 times and you don't get to eat from bed to lunch the next day (that's the part I am dreading, no food!). I go Friday for it and I pray I pass it this time. Lots of women fail the first and pass the second one. If I fail it that will be ok too, I will sacrifice sweets and whatever else I have to!

 

I think that about catches me up. I am 26 weeks 4 days today. 2/3 of the way!!

 

 

1st Monitoring Results

I haven't posted in a while, not much been going on to tell about.

Yesterday was my first monitoring appointment for this cycle. I had an ultrasound and blood work at my local hospital. Luckily this time I didn't have to spend an hour in the blood lab and be poked by three different people. I hadn't had this guy before and he got it on the first stick! He was so nice too and I thanked him for doing such a great job. :)

I am still not happy with my local hospital. Seems like every time I go there something is not done properly. Why should a patient have to call at 4:00 to both the radiology and lab departments and ask them to send my results to my doctor when it clearly states on the order for both to send them as soon as the results are done? My ultrasound was at 8:15 (the first one of the day) and my blood shortly after. I guess the results were just sitting there because it only took them about 10 mins to reach the doctor. Grrrrrrr. I believe there is no chain of command in the entire hospital. Poor management I suppose. (Side note- my little sister is having her baby there tomorrow, so they better treat her right or I may open a can on them, I got some growing frustration for the place from how they have handled my records and the constant run around they gave my grandma this summer. So ya they better be nice to her and do things right!)

Anyhow.... back to my results. I was a bit disappointed with my ultrasound. The tech only measured 2 follicles this time. That is the lowest count I have ever had. But hopefully it is just because I am early in my cycle. I know by Friday this could all change. I started my Clomid last night and will start my Follistim injections Wednesday night {ironic that it will probably be at the hospital with my new niece and other family members in attendance}. Hopefully the meds will do their job and grow nice follicles!

These were my levels:

Estradiol: 30
LH: 5.7
FSH: 18.3
Progesterone: less than 0.2

The coordinator said all my levels were good and where they should be. She said that I have a 1.5 cm cyst on my left ovary. But that it always seems to be there early in my cycle, that it was there last time and wasn't any cause for concern.

It's all in God's hands! I trust Him. I trust my doctors. And that is what will carry me through this week and next. :)

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. James 1:2-7

It's All You'll Ever Know

Today is my due date for our baby. Our baby that was conceived with our first insemination attempt on November 2nd. We found out we were expecting on November 15th and I miscarried on November 25th. Sometimes November seems like it was a year or more ago and sometimes it feels like it was just a few months ago. I think it feels like such a long time ago because so much has happened since then. We went through 4 more unsuccessful inseminations after that, the last being in March. I had my consult with Dr. Silber in St. Louis in April. Then we spent time waiting and preparing for June 14th, my first retrieval. So to say we haven't been busy the last 9 months would be an understatement.

I haven't ever shared on my blog my experience and what took place that day, November 25th. I have never felt like I could. It's just too personal, maybe someday I will. I have read tons of miscarriage stories in the blog world, some from my close circle of blog friends. They are all horrible. They all make me cry and cringe. They all make the flashbacks come back. They all break my heart. They all make me re-live the moment. They all make me feel helpless again. These stories make me feel like it was just yesterday.

I've known this day was coming. I have thought about this day several times in the last 9 months. I have told myself I do not want to be sad on this day! I want to be happy. I want to be thankful that all our baby has ever known is Heaven. I am comforted in knowing this and knowing that our baby was surely greeted by his/her great uncle. You see Ryan's uncle, Ricky, went to Heaven just two days earlier. And I know that Ricky had the biggest smile on his face when he saw our baby. And that he introduced our baby to his/her cousins, his son Joe Derek and their baby that was born to Heaven as well. When I picture Heaven, I see him walking around with all these rug rats and they are all having the biggest time. And that comforts me.

I want to share with you the words to a song that helped me grieve and let go. I still listen to it when I need to be reminded. I still cry every time but now it is a happy cry. A thank you cry. I encourage you to look it up online or on your phone and listen to it! It is the most beautiful song I have ever heard. It is called "Glory Baby" by Watermark.

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…

BRIDGE:
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

 

 





Every word of this song rings true to me. I believe in every word of this song. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about you baby. I know you are safe. I know that you are happy. I know that you are home. I know that we will hold you one day. We love you and your four brothers/sisters!

 

I borrowed this image from my friend Stephanie's blog. I thank God for our friendship! He truly brought us together. She is a beautiful person and writer. I found her blog back in March, almost 4 months to the day of our loss. Sitting at home alone, I read her entire blog. You see I was still stuck in the haze at the time. I hadn't REALLY allowed myself to grieve our loss yet. But as I read her post "A Gift from God" I let go. I really LET GO! I cried and cried and when I was done crying and done reading I felt like a different person. I felt like I could move on. She too suffered a loss. At the time we found each other we were at about the same stage in the journey: no diagnosis, failed inseminations, praying for a miracle. We both finally received diagnoses, the same diagnosis and within in weeks of each other! We both learned that to have children it would take IVF. Her procedure was only a week after mine. They did a fresh transfer and now she is pregnant with twins and I am so over the moon happy for her! She is still giving me hope! So you can see why I thank God for our friendship!

I still thank God for this journey, for all the things we have learned along the way, for the way He has brought our relationship to another level, the way He has strengthened my trust in Him and for all the blessings He has given us along the way!

Happy 35th Birthday Louise!

Today is Louise Brown's 35th Birthday! She is the world's first IVF baby!!! Can you imagine being the parents to the first IVF baby? Back then they called her the test tube baby. I guess some people still do call IVF babies that. Although it is not a tube it is a petri dish people! It has never been a tube. So if you want to be correct call them petri dish babies! It sounds so much cuter that way. :) I personally prefer miracle babies but each to their own. Ha.

Anyway I am just so grateful for the medical pioneers and the couples over the years that took the chance on this new fangled idea of IVF which allowed the science to grow and prosper for the rest of us! And thank you God for allowing it all to happen!

Robert Edwards was the doctor who helped bring Louise into the world.

 

I started my cycle yesterday! I have a call in to Joan, my coordinator. I am awaiting her call back with instructions! Excited!! I will post again tomorrow. Tomorrow is a special day!

Love At First Sight

I was so happy when I got home and checked the mail yesterday!! There was an envelope from Dr. Silber's office. I knew what was inside, a picture of our babies!!! I tried to stay calm as I was trying to get the darn envelope open, I knew I had to be careful and not damage the work of art enclosed. :)

Here they are in all their glory, wonder and beauty!!

I am in LOVE!

 

 

Thank You God for these precious tiny miracles! Thank You for giving others the science and knowledge to create these microscopic blessings! They each have 23 chromosomes from mommy and 23 from daddy. Their gender is already determined too, but only God knows that right now! :)

 

I got to thinking last night as I was looking at this photo. How neat is it that someday we may get to show our baby(ies) this photo and tell them the story of them? And how so many people prayed and prayed for them before they were even in mommy's belly. And how mommy and daddy knew them and loved them so much, even when they were smaller than the size of the period at the end of this sentence. This is a gift. Not many people get to see their babies at 3 days old! :)



In other news, my sister's baby shower is tomorrow! I am so excited! Kolette and I have lots of work to do, making everything pretty and yummy!

Come on June!!

So things are going along pretty smoothly. I only have 7 more days of taking birth control!

I have completely quit caffeine now! It was hard but only for about a week.

I have also decided to change the way I eat. I am trying to eat lots of protein and really limit processed foods. It has been hard. I do like meat, eggs, cheese, etc. But I also like bread and junk food! I have been doing better than I thought I could. A study showed women that got at least 25% of their calories from protein had a much higher success rate while undergoing IVF. So I thought I better give it a shot and try, try, try!

So the schedule is still the same:

Birth control through May 28th
Have a period
Ultrasound, blood work @ Mtn. Home and begin Clomid on June 3rd
Follistim shots June 5th, 7th and 9th
Appt with Dr. DeRosa @ St. Louis June 6th (Cardinals game that night! Woohoo!)
Ultrasound, blood work June 7th @ St. Louis
Then probably sent home and told to come back Monday for ultrasound & blood work
Will for sure have an ultrasound & blood work every other day that week, if not everyday until egg retrieval

And for the best news we have received in quite a long while........ looks like insurance is gonna PAY!!! We are so excited. I am trying not to get too excited because I know how things can change so quickly on this infertility roller coaster. But I do feel like shouting it on a rooftop somewhere! THANK YOU GOD!! Thank you for my job that provides insurance. Thank you that I live in Arkansas, one of the states that has laws for infertility coverage. Thank you that those laws apply to my policy.

I am getting so excited about the whole process! No nerves yet. The only thing to be nervous about is egg count and egg quality and then embryo quality. But I haven't started obsessing about that yet. No point!

Kolette and I have started planning Rayleen's shower! It's gonna be super cute! I am excited to have a side project. It still seems a little unreal that she is having a baby. But I cannot wait for the little stinker to get here! She's gonna be soooo spoiled and have the best aunts ever!

A little bit of humor.... and Mother's Day!

As I pulled up my MSN homepage and scrolled to the bottom I saw this article. {Read it before you read below if you want what I wrote to make more sense to you. You will have to click through each of the 20 slides}

http://now.msn.com/mommyjacking-when-moms-hijack-your-facebook-feed
 It was titled "20 Moms who should stop posting. NOW" and had a Facebook photo. So it intrigued me. It gave me a good laugh. Yup there are clueless people every where!

Facebook is sometimes a real downer and even hurtful to us infertile gals. Pregnant women complaining about being fat, sick, etc. Moms complaining about their children doing this or that or even having a cold. I realize the 'my child is sick, has a cold, strep' and so on is just them expressing their concern for their children. (I will insert if there is a serious post about a serious medical problem, I do always feel sympathy for the family and pray for them!)

I don't use Facebook as an outlet to inform the public about or complain about my infertility either. That is what the blog is for, so that those close to me can keep updated in this aspect of my life. :) I have never been one to express every thought, worry or action that happens in my day on Facebook. I like to post exciting things, things that make me happy. I like seeing posts from people that are excited or proud of their children, pets, jobs, vacations, family members, favorite teams, etc. Every now and then I will see a post that says something along the lines of how blessed they are when talking about their child(ren). Those are the ones that really make me smile, because they are blessed! And for them to acknowledge that gives me hope. Hope that someday I will be posting about how blessed we are for our child(ren). And sometimes I want to tell some of the moms (or soon-to-be) on Facebook how blessed they are. Just simply type a comment on their negative or complaining statuses, "You are so blessed!" and nothing else. But I don't! Instead I either block their posts from my news feed or de-friend them.

This is one of the many blogs I follow, wrote by a fellow infertile gal. It was a good post of what to do and not to do on Mother's Day.

http://ourmisconception.blogspot.com/2013/05/no-womb-for-mothers-day-this-year.html

I am being honest, I have been dreading Mother's Day. I know I shouldn't and as it gets closer it gets better. I am actually getting more excited about it. (Like everything with me the dreading is usually always worse than the actual event.) After all, I am a mother and I can celebrate that! I still have my mother in my life and both of my grandmothers and Ryan's mom and step mom and I can celebrate that! Thank You Lord for making me a mother to a child that is in your care and thank you for giving me so many wonderful women in my life!

After reading "Hannah's Hope" my mom suggested we plant a tree for our baby (her first grand baby) in Heaven. At first I was a little hesitant. I thought that would just drag up feelings that I felt I had a good grip on. She asked again the other day if I had thought about it and I said "Ya, maybe, we will see". I got to thinking over the weekend (as I was having anxious thoughts about the upcoming weekend) that if I were going to plant a tree that would be a good weekend to do it. It always takes me a while to process things when it comes to 'our struggle'. I have to weigh it all in my head for a while before I can make a decision, little or big. Anyway yesterday I told my mom we could do it on Sunday! That is the plan as of now. Go to town with my mom, get a tree and come home and plant it! Of course Ryan will be digging the hole! His mom is also coming up this weekend and we will spend all day Saturday with her. We are going to look at houses for her and her husband, so that will keep us busy! It is going to be a good weekend after all! All that worry for nothing.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO ALL OF YOU READING!! Thanks for reading and praying! Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!



{Not trying to offend anyone by this post, if you are offended please kindly find something else to read in the future.}  

Wait...

At the suggestion of my blogger buddy, Stephanie, I have been reading "Hannah's Hope" by Jennifer Saake. It is truly an amazing book! If you or someone you love is struggling with infertility, adoption or miscarriage, I totally suggest reading this book. I especially suggest reading it if you are searching for more understanding about what someone you love might be experiencing while dealing with any of these struggles. (My mom is wanting to read it when I am done, which is awesome because the author does an amazing job at putting things into perspective from an inside view but also from an outside view.) I wanted to share a poem that the author shares in the book. I don't know how I haven't stumbled across this poem before now.

Wait
by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

 

Amazing, huh?!
 

This poem spoke direct to my heart. In the past two months my heart has changed so much. My faith has grown tremendously. I have been happier than I have been in a long time. I have let things go that I have been holding on to. I have opened up more. I am witnessing growth in myself and all of my relationships.... with God, Ryan, my mother, family, friends, co-workers.... It's amazing. For the first time ever I am truly thankful for this journey!

I have had a few people ask me what's been going on recently. I am just waiting for my next cycle to begin so that I can start birth control pills. Yes, for the first time in two years I am anxiously awaiting my period. Strange that after two years of praying my period doesn't start, I am now wishing it along so that I can start birth control pills. So yup I am patiently waiting and thanking God everyday for this journey and all of my blessings!

{P.S. I plan on doing another post about "Hannah's Hope" when I am done reading, almost to the end!}

 

 

 

 

 

Someday

{WARNING: POSSIBILITY OF TEARS AHEAD}

So a while back a very good friend of mine told me that listening to me talk about all that we had been going through inspired her. She said that although she could not relate to my struggle, she thought about the things I said and tried to place herself in my shoes. She told me that she could never imagine how it feels but that sometimes she turns her thoughts into a song. She wrote a song for me! She said that she didn't know when she would share it with me but that she would someday. I hadn't pressured her at all but yesterday she emailed me her song, "Someday".

Of course I started crying immediately! What an amazing gift to give someone! A gift that I will cherish for the rest of my life. A gift that I will share with my babies and grand babies someday. A gift of friendship and faith. I will be forever thankful for these words!

SOMEDAY

(Verse 1)

I want to look into those brown eyes/

I want to hear you/ to hear those little cries/

Not having you in my life/is just too much to bare/

You're in my every thought and wish/ you’re in my every prayer/

 

(Chorus)

Someday/ my dreams will all come true/

Someday/ I’ll be in this world with you/

Someday/ In my arms you will lay/

Oh I wonder when it will be my someday/

 

(Verse 2)

I’ll count every finger and every toe/

I’ll hold my angel/ and kiss you upon your little nose/

and thank GOD for this blessing/ that He’s sent to me/

Each day you’ll hear how much I love you/ and what you mean to me/

 

(Chorus)

Yes someday/ my dreams will all come true/

Someday/ I’ll be in this world with you/

Someday/ In my arms you will lay/

Lord I know there will be my someday/

 

(Bridge)

10 little fingers/ 10 little toes/

and brown eyes that sparkle/ as I kiss your little nose/

I can’t believe it/ it feels like a dream/

what I’ve wanted so badly/ is looking up at me……/  

 

(Chorus)

Someday/ my dreams have all come true/

Someday/ I am in this world with you/

Someday/ In my arms you now lay/

Thank you God for giving me my Someday

 

Thank you God for giving me my Someday

 

Wow! Amazing right? I think so! Thank you Jamie! I love you!

I know someday she will sing it for me. :) My hope is that she will record it for me too. That way I can play it to my babies. The Lord blessed her with musical talent, so although I plan on singing it to Walker babies someday, I still want them to hear it coming from her.

   

{Sorry Jamie I did change one word. I changed blue eyes to brown. Again sorry, but the likely hood of Ryan and I having a blue eyed baby is probably about the same as the likely hood of us conceiving without medical assistance. And that's ok!}

Poor Ovarian Reserve...

It has taken me a few days to be ready to write this post. For one, it was way too nice out this weekend to be inside on the computer and I have the sunburn and sore muscles to prove it. (But my yard looks much better!) Secondly, I needed processing time.

Before I go into details of my appointment, I want to say I love Dr. Silber and the whole staff! They were all so nice, just like everyone says. I was not disappointed. :)

My ultrasound appointment was at 2:00 and my appointment with Dr. Silber at 3:00. The purpose of the u/s is to look at the ovaries, get an antral follicle count in each ovary and measure the uterine lining. The follicles are where the egg(s) grow and the antral follicle count is an indicator of your remaining reproductive years.

The girl performing my u/s was so sweet. She asked if I had ever had a trans vaginal ultrasound before. I told her yes, close to ten of them! I didn't ask any questions while she was performing the u/s because I knew that she wasn't supposed to tell me anything, that Dr. Silber wanted to know the results and discuss them with me.

When our name was finally called, I was so excited. I knew I was about to meet an amazing person. Someone who has helped so many people. He introduced himself and we sat at a small round table. The first thing he noticed was Ryan's Razorback shirt and Cardinals hat. He commented on them and then gave his brief spill about the infertility epidemic. Then he said something that I was not expecting at all. "Well your antral follicle count was 7, which tells us that you have a low egg reserve." I about fell out of my chair. I looked over at Ryan and he had the same look I am sure I had.

He went on to explain what exactly that meant. Basically I do not have as many eggs as I should at my age and that is why I haven't been able to achieve pregnancy on my own. I asked him what the count should be at my age and he said at least 20! Oh my. He said that I had two in one ovary and five in the other. That the count would vary with each cycle but that I would never have the normal amount. I told him that this was the first time I was ever hearing this (even after going to Little Rock for 6 months and having approximately 8 - 10 previous ultrasounds). I told him that they never told me my follicle count but that they would measure the two or three biggest ones each time. He said that was because the doctor was the one doing the u/s and that they don't take the time with each patient to do a complete ultrasound. [What?!?! Does this make sense at all?!? It took less than 15 minutes and is non-invasive and affordable!]

This is the chart that will forever be burned into my memory, that left a hairline crack in my heart:

I fall in that last line, the line that has a lovely dash under years until last child. But praise the Lord for creating people like Dr. Silber. People's whose passion for science and others has helped people like me fulfill their dreams! I know that from this point forward in our journey that we are in the two most capable sets of hands there is: God's and Dr. Silber's! And for this I am grateful!

His plan for us is to do several back to back cycles of minimal stimulation IVF. He thinks that we will need several cycles in order to retrieve enough eggs and store up as many embryos as possible. Mini IVF is like traditional IVF minus the daily injections of hormones for months. He said that I would not benefit from these high levels of hormones. That the purpose of them is to produce a high egg count for retrieval. But that even with the massive amounts of hormones my body would probably not produce any more eggs than usual. The goal of mini IVF is to recruit a only a few high quality eggs. The harvest, fertilization, culture and transfer of those eggs/embryos does not differ from routine IVF.  We are shooting for quality over quantity! He has hopes that based on my age my eggs should still be of high quality. Of course, there is no guarantee of this. But we won't know until we try and I have to keep the faith and think happy thoughts about my eggs until then!

So here's the way that mini IVF works:

• Call the clinic on day 1 of my next cycle {end of April/beginning of May}
• Begin and end birth control pills on days instructed by my coordinator (sweet Joan), somewhere between 21 to 28 days of birth control pills
• Start period {end of May/beginning of June}
• On day 3 of cycle begin 50mg Clomid and continue until ultrasound monitoring shows the follicles are ready for ovulation
• On days 8, 10, and 12 add in 150iu of Follistim (FSH injections)
• Begin monitoring (blood work and ultrasound) when instructed
• When blood work and ultrasound look good we will do the egg retrieval {target date June 14}
• Eggs that are retrieved will be injected with sperm by a needle (ICSI)
• Resulting embryos will be frozen by new technique of vitrification

Dr. Silber wants us to do the process a few times to get as many embryos frozen as possible before making any transfers. This is because even if we have a handful of embryos there is no guarantee that those embryos will implant in my uterus and form into a baby. And also because if I were to get pregnant within the first couple of transfers (placing embryos in the uterus) I need to have some embryos frozen for future babies. I need to do this in order to insure I will still have a chance of having another child if I become pregnant during the first or second transfer. Because if I was to get pregnant but didn't have any embryos left for the future I may not have any eggs by the time we are ready for another child.

I am hoping we will get several excellent embryos and not have to do more than 3 rounds of retrieval. He would be happy if we could get at least 4 or 5 eggs during each retrieval and even more happy if all or most fertilize and turn into embryos. This is where we will find out the quality of my eggs. The number of eggs retrieved each time will vary as will the embryo count. The goal at this point in the journey is not to get pregnant but to get as many Walker baby embryos frozen as we can!

After Dr. Silber and we are comfortable with the amount of frozen embryos we will do a transfer. The number of embryos transferred would depend on the quality of the embryo. These are things to be determined. However, they will not preform a transfer until 3 months have passed since your last retrieval. Therefore, we are looking at winter as the earliest possibility of a transfer.

I tried to explain it the best way I could but if you would like to learn more you can go to Dr. Silber's website: http://www.infertile.com/infertility-treatments/ivf-in-vitro-fertilization.htm

There will be more posts once I get more information. I expect our huge package of detailed instructions at the beginning of next week. The inpatient, information starved side of me wishes I had this in my hand already! But the side of me that will get me through this says "one day at a time!"

Side note: I went to bed early last night because Ryan was watching the NCAA championship game and I was exhausted. Anyway when he did come to bed he went on about how good the game was and then said "Oh and I read your blog. It is really good babe." :) :) :) I had told him a couple of weeks ago when I started it but he never asked to read it and I never asked or pressured him to. This melted my heart. Again thank you God for him!

Tomorrow! Tomorrow!

The sun'll come out tomorrow

So you got to hang on 'til tomorrow, came what may!

Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love you, tomorrow

You're always a day away!

 

That song is stuck in my head this morning. I am so excited about tomorrow! Tomorrow is a BIG day for us. A day that will hopefully be the start of a new path in this journey. I admit I have somewhat high expectations of tomorrow. We will see if what everyone says about Dr. Silber and the whole clinic is true. I bet it is! :) Tomorrow will be a success if Ryan and I both leave St. Louis feeling confident, excited and ready for whatever is proposed. This is all I can pray for today!

 

This is a verse that a friend sent me one day, I have read it over and over on this journey:

 

"But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, do not despair, for these things will surely come to pass. Just be patient! They will not be overdue a single day!" Habakkuk 2:3

 

After reading it I tell myself, I am one day closer! I am one day closer to becoming a mother! Each day only brings me closer. Ryan and I have no plans to give up, ever. We know without a shadow of a doubt that we will be parents one day. We would love to have a child of our very own, one that is half him, half me. We also acknowledge that this might not be what God has intended for us. His plan might be for us to love a child that is not biologically ours but created just for us. Anyway that it happens, when it does happen we will be eternally grateful for our blessing and the lessons along the way! The lessons of patience, thankfulness and trust and for growing our relationship in a way that never would have happened without this journey.


We are so lucky to have so many prayer warriors! I have had so many people tell me this month that they have been praying for us and are praying about tomorrow. I am so blessed to have these people in my life. THANK YOU!

And the sun isn't out today in Arkansas, but the weather man says the sun'll come out tomorrow!

 

Our wedding day, little did I know how blessed I really was to be marrying this guy. :)

 

 

A time for everything, everything in its time...

I went ahead and tested this morning knowing that if a "+" appeared it would be only because of divine intervention and a miracle. Of course, it didn't. I was not upset at all because I already knew. It sure did make it easier knowing sooner this time. I hadn't stressed about it any this week. I mean I was heartbroken over the weekend. But after grieving another failed attempt, I did have a pretty great week. It was nice knowing that there was nothing to stress about this week and nothing I had to do. It's also been easier to stay positive knowing that we are going to a different doctor, a better doctor and probably a more aggressive plan with better chances. Don't get me wrong, every now and then the "what if this doesn't work" question pops in my head. But I have been working really hard lately to trust in God's plan for us and not let worry replace this trust. I am not fully there yet but I think I am getting closer! I know that if we do go on to IVF that I will have to give it all over to Him and depend on Him to get us through it and not myself. So I am going to continue to work on this, I have to!

Today's reading from Jesus Calling by Sarah Young:

 

 

Petie and I went for a walk yesterday afternoon. We are so lucky to live where we do. It really is beautiful, quiet and peaceful. I just wish that Mr. Weather would cooperate so that we could enjoy our surroundings every day. I am getting so impatient waiting for it to be warm and stay that way. I need my flowers to bloom and smile at me everyday when I get home and there to be green leaves on the trees. 

 

 

 

 

I am excited for this weekend, the weather is supposed to be perfect for Easter Sunday! I am also excited because I get to see my beautiful niece, Layla. I haven't seen her since Christmas but I have been watching her grow in pictures. Here's a recent picture her mom posted (hope you don't mind +sylvia humphries) She's so darn cute and I can't wait to get my hands on her!

 

 

 

St Louis Appointment!

I am getting pretty excited because our appointment with the world renowned, genius in his field, Dr. Silber of St. Louis is in 9 days! I made the appointment on March 4th after finding out that our 4th IUI attempt was unsuccessful. Feeling frustrated it was time for a second opinion. I already had an appointment with my current doctor in Little Rock on the 7th to discuss what our next options were. So we decided to give them one last chance while we waited on our other appointment. The doctor gave us the options of doing another IUI with a different medicine this time, Letrozole, or move on to IVF.

He explained that Letrozole is like Clomid, minus all the side effects and minus the possibility of the uterine lining becoming thinned but it is more expensive. After hearing this, I was some what peeved that I hadn't been offered this drug sooner. I mean if Clomid thins the lining of the uterus the doctor should tell you that upfront, give you the option to save money or spend the extra $50 - $70 for a drug that doesn't thin the lining and has been known to have basically no side effects! I really do believe if given the option I would have chosen the Letrozole starting with the first IUI. For one I had already taken two rounds of Clomid and secondly I would have never chosen a drug that "could" thin my uterine lining. Obviously I would want my uterine lining to be at the best of it's ability so that an embryo could attach if formed!

So anyway after discussing it with Ryan for about two minutes, we decided to give it one more shot while we waited for our appointment in St. Louis. We knew before hand that we had no plans of doing IVF in Little Rock. We had heard that Dr. Silber in St. Louis was at the top of the IVF field and had decided if we had to do IVF we would go there. After all, St. Louis is only about 30 minutes farther than Little Rock for us and we love St. Louis. We make at least one trip there every summer to watch the Cardinals! (At least if we were doing IVF this summer we could maybe catch a few games to pass the time.)

Anyhow, the doctor told me that my uterine lining was thinned the last cycle and that with the new medicine we shouldn't have that problem. He also wanted to add FSH injection shots this round. I thought bring it on. I am willing to try anything new even if I do have to give myself a shot. (What us infertile women wouldn't do!) I left Little Rock feeling somewhat positive. At least we were trying a new medicine and adding the FSH injections as well. They scheduled me to come in on the 15th for an ultrasound to measure my follicles and make sure they were growing properly. If they were on track, they would send me home with the Ovidrel shot and tell me when to be back for the insemination. I was figuring I would get the shot, take it Friday night and be back on Sunday morning.

This time there was no instruction to start the OPK tests. However, when I got home after work on the 14th I decided to take one just in case, call it an infertile woman's intuition. In my mind I thought it was too early, only day 12 of my cycle but took it anyway. I was shocked, it was positive. I called the doctor to see what he wanted me to do. He said that Ryan would need to come with me just in case it was time but that I needed to test again in the morning. So I tested again, positive again. I had my ultrasound, my follicles and uterine lining looked good. He said that I had one measuring at over 20 mm (perfect) and I had not ovulated yet. He wanted to go ahead and do the insemination. I was excited because that meant no Ovidrel shot and no trip back on Sunday.

Thinking we would have to be back on Sunday, we had already planned to make a weekend of it. So I booked a hotel for two nights and we went to the horse races on Saturday. The weather ended up being perfect and we had a great time. But obviously my body wasn't busy making a baby during this time. :(

So back to what I originally started talking about, my appointment next Friday! I am so excited to get a second opinion even if that opinion is to do IVF (traditional or mini-IVF). I finished our paperwork this morning and had our records transferred. I cannot wait to meet Dr. Silber and his staff. I have heard wonderful things about the entire clinic. I am excited to have one doctor and one nurse assigned to my case. A nurse that will have access to my file and know what is going on with me, a nurse that I can call and ask questions. A nurse that can actually answer questions and will call you back. From what I hear they are very professional, personal and compassionate. Something I have yet to come in contact with on this journey. Crazy that you can go to a reproductive endocrinologist for six months and you still feel like no one in the entire office cares if you get pregnant or not! You would think they would want to be successful at their field?? Hmm.. all I know is I am moving on to better things and praying, praying, praying that this step will be the step we need! I am also looking forward to the break for April, no drugs, no inseminations and hopefully a lot less stress!