A Year Ago Today

I have been spending a lot of my time over the past month reflecting on all that has happened in the last year.

There have been so many dates I knew where coming. Dates marking one year anniversaries from things that happened in 2012.

November 2nd: My 1st (of 5) IUIs (inseminations) at Little Rock. The one that worked!

November 15th: The day I found out that I was in fact pregnant!

November 25th: The day I miscarried.

It's been a year today. Sometimes it seems like 2 or 3 years ago. I have been dreading this day. I thought I would come to work in tears and be blue all day and have to try to keep myself together. But luckily for me I got it all out in a huge bawl fest Saturday evening. Today I feel okay and I am okay with that.

You see Saturday I decided we should put up our outdoor Christmas lights and drag the tree and all other decor out. After I came in from getting the lights hung I started digging through the boxes. I came across this little bird nest ornament.

 

It was the ornament I bought November 2nd. The day of my first insemination. For those of you that don't know how an insemination works, you show up at the clinic bright and early. Husband drops off his contribution of the baby making necessities and then you have about an hour until they want you back. In this time Ryan would usually get something to eat (Krispy Kreme) and I would run in a store. I saw this ornament and thought how cute, two little eggs. How fitting. I was hoping my body was working to release one or even two eggs at the time. I came out to the car and told Ryan I had bought it for good luck.

 

As soon as I pulled it out of the box of other ornaments the tears started flowing, followed by sobbing and praying out loud. (Thankfully Ryan had gone to feed. I don't like to let him see me this way. Because he can't fix it and I try to hold it in when he is around.)

 

So I am thankful. Thankful that my wonderful husband agreed to pull out our Christmas stuff even though he is a firm believer in not putting anything up until after Thanksgiving. Thankful that I have this ornament. Thankful that I got to grieve at home and not at work. Thankful that this year is behind me. Thankful that I have 8 babies waiting on their chance to come home with mom and dad.

 

This will always be my favorite ornament ever. It will always be placed in the most noticeable spot on my tree.

 

This is the only picture I have of us together when I was pregnant. It was taken last Thanksgiving. I was over the moon happy that day. I couldn't quit smiling and thinking about the future. I can't wait to have that feeling again! (Hopefully in 32 days!)

 

 

Good bye worst year of my life!! Hello things to come!

 



Less than a month away from the big day...

Well the count down is on! 28 days until my transfer date. Oh my!

First I want to apologize to my faithful readers - sorry I haven't posted in over 7 weeks! But there hasn't been much to say (other than a couple of bad days I have had here and there when I thought about posting my internal rantings). All I have been doing in terms of preparing for my transfer is taking stupid birth control pills. I say stupid because they make me feel crummy but luckily Thursday is my last day of those!

Over the last two months I have been keeping busy with my sister, crafting things up for our side business and preparing for our annual craft show. It takes a ton of time to prepare for the show but I was grateful for the distraction. Up until last week I hadn't stressed at all about my upcoming transfer. Not gonna lie, since last Monday there have been times I thought about it so much I thought I would throw up. I wish there was an off switch for the wandering part of our brains. One moment I feel so happy and confident about whats to come and think how could this not be our time? The next moment doubt creeps in and I wonder how I will handle the disappointment and where we could run off to for a few days to escape. AHHH! So I have to work on the positive thinking and deep breathing.

Today I start my daily 10 units of Lupron injection in the stomach. I take these shots up through December 12th. These shots are not bad, I use a tiny insulin needle for them. On November 29th I start my estrogen in pill and patch form. I take two Estrace pills twice a day and start my Vivelle dots. I apply 3 of them to my stomach and switch them out every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I will continue both forms of estrogen up until the pregnancy test (December 27th). If the test is positive I will continue both forms for 10 - 12 weeks after the test. All of this medicine is to get my uterus on her A game and for her to be the best she can be for December 16th!

On Monday, December 9th I will go to my local hospital for a blood hormone panel and an ultrasound to measure my uterine lining. On Friday, December 13th I will drive to St. Louis for another ultrasound measurement of my lining. Also on December 13th I start the oh-so-dreaded PIO (progesterone in oil) shots. I really don't even want to go into why I dread them right now but let's just say the needle is long and think. I will post about those shots closer to time. These shots like the estrogen will continue until my test on December 27th and will continue for 10 weeks after if the test is positive. We will repeat the test again on December 30th to make sure the numbers are doubling if the first test was positive.

That Friday the plan is for my sister to ride with me to St. Louis and back. My transfer is on Monday morning, so Ryan and I will go up Sunday afternoon. After the transfer I am instructed to go back to my room and be on bed rest for 24 hours. I am only supposed to get up to use the bathroom. I will be hitting up a Redbox the night before and loading up on snacks. Sometime Tuesday we should be able to drive home and I plan to be back at work Wednesday. There will be 11 days in between my transfer date and my first test date. At least it's not a full two weeks! But those are going to be the longest 11 days ever and Christmas will be right in the mix of them! Speaking of Christmas, I have told myself this year I am not stressing about finding everyone the perfect gift and am not spending tons of money. It's not worth it and it clearly states in my orders from Dr. Silber no added stress after December 16th!

So that's where we are, lots to remember, lots to stress over! All prayers and words of encouragement are welcomed! :) Especially prayers for sanity! Although how does a gal that is pumping herself full of estrogen and progesterone all while waiting to see if the one thing she has wanted for the past 29 months is finally going to happen?! Poor Ryan, pray for him too.

The Today Show and Transfer Regimen

MY DOCTOR, DR. SILBER, WAS ON THE TODAY SHOW!!!

Tuesday morning a friend's mom called her at work (our work) and told her she thought my doctor was on The Today Show. I ran to the break room and turned the TV on. I had already missed half of it but thanks to the Internet I was able to watch it all.

Now I know Dr. Silber has been on TV several times in the past but this time they preformed an egg retrieval live for the first time ever and showed the process of inserting sperm into the eggs. I saw all those people just 3 weeks ago, Dr. Silber, the nurses, the ultra sound tech and the girl drawing her blood! They even showed the guy sitting in the room waiting for them to wheel his fiance back in. I wonder if Ryan looked that nervous? Probably not this time but maybe the first time. So cool!

Here is the link to the article and the two video segments.

http://www.today.com/moms/why-im-doing-ivf-live-tv-one-womans-fertility-journey-4B11235075

{Disclaimer: Yes I wish this couple would go to the courthouse and get married, have a wedding ceremony later people!}

I can't wait to hear the update on their fertilization!

I HAVE A DETAILED SCHEDULE FOR THE TRANSFER!

Birth control pills begin: TBD (depending on my next cycle start date)

Lupron injections of 10 units daily begin: November 18

Birth control pills end: November 21

Estrace pills 4 mgs twice a day begin: November 29

Vivelle dots (3 dots applied to abdomen every M, W & F) begin: November 29

Blood test for hormone panel & ultrasound to measure uterine lining (locally): December 9

Lupron injections end: December 12

Progesterone 2 cc injections begin: December 13 (these will continue until my blood test and if I am pregnant will continue everyday for 10 weeks)

Ultrasound to measure uterine lining (in St. Louis): December 13

Frozen embryo transfer: December 16

Quantitative Beta HCG blood tests (ie pregnancy test!): December 27 & December 30

Whew! That's a lot to keep up with. Lots of shots this time. I knew that was coming though. I did an estimate and if I am blessed with pregnancy it will be roughly 110 straight days of shots! But if that test comes back positive I will gladly take a shot in the hip everyday! Ryan is gonna have to get tough because he will have to give them to me. The progesterone shots have to be in the hip.

For the last week and a half I have been having a pregnancy dream almost every night. The strange thing is that I haven't had a pregnancy dream that I can remember in over a year! I have had maybe 2 or 3 dreams about babies but none that I am pregnant. All this time, tons of medicine, countless trips to the doctor, countless ultrasounds and blood work, 5 inseminations, 2 egg retrievals and NO PREGNANCY dreams! It's so strange when I think about it. I pretty much day dreamed 24/7 of being pregnant but no dreams at night. I guess my conscious is finally confident enough that I will be pregnant someday soon. I love these dreams. I wake up so happy. Some of them are really happy and some are stressful. I dreamed last night that it was time to go to the hospital. Ryan wouldn't quit talking to everyone around us and kept trying to get things done before we left. I kept looking at my belly and telling him that I didn't think it was time because my belly only looked like I was about 4 months pregnant. I asked him if I had any ultrasounds and he said no. I panicked and said "how can I be ready to deliver if I have never even had an ultrasound?" And of course he was not worried at all and told me it would be fine. Then I woke up. I had one dream a few nights ago that we went in for an ultrasound and the baby was sucking it's thumb. I was sooooooo happy when I woke up from that dream. I cannot wait to hear a heartbeat. I cannot wait to see a baby move on the screen (instead of just looking at follicles on that screen). I hope these happy dreams continue, they give me confidence.

In honor of upcoming Mesothelioma Awareness Day September 26th

Earlier in the week I was contacted by a reader that my little ole blog reached. (Which always makes me happy!) This reader didn't want to talk about infertility but she did want to share her own personal struggle and journey. When her daughter was only 3 1/2 months old, Heather was diagnosed with a rare and deadly cancer, pleural mesothelioma. She was given 15 months to live. Despite her horrible diagnosis, she knew she needed to beat the odds for her daughter, Lily. She and her husband sought out the best mesothelioma treatment care available. She is now a proud 7 year survivor with a mission to help other mesothelioma victims. She asked if I would be willing to share her story to help her raise awareness for Mesothelioma in honor of the upcoming Mesothelioma Awareness Day, September 26th. Now I know I don't have thousands of readers but like I have said before about my own journey, if it reaches and helps just one person it will be worth it!

Please take the time to read Heather's sweet story by clicking on the link below.

http://www.mesothelioma.com/heather/awareness/

This is Heather, her husband Cameron and her daughter Lily (I love her red hair!)

Such a happy family!

December 16th!!!

We have set the date! Our first transfer will be December 16th. I will have more information next week about the preparation for the transfer and all it entails. But yes they will transfer two embryos (I have been asked this a bunch) :)

I just realized I forgot to post a picture of the four new additions to our family!!

 

To the left is our September babies and on the right are our June babies. The one in the top left corner is the blastocyst.

 

I sometimes forget to explain things for my readers. Sorry! A lot of my readers are fellow IVFers and I know they don't need explanation and could explain it for my "non-infertile" readers so much better than I could. But I realize I have left out some important information about what happens after the embryologist injects sperm into the eggs.

 

After fertilization has taken place, the embryos are transferred to a special growth fluid (media). The process of allowing embryos to develop in the IVF laboratory is called culturing. In order to enable the embryos to grow, the culture dishes containing the embryos and the media are maintained in an incubator where the atmosphere, humidity, and temperature are carefully monitored and controlled.

During this time in the incubator, it is hoped that the embryos will develop normally. Normal embryo development requires a process of cell division called mitosis. The single fertilized egg divides into two cells, then four and so on. Some embryos will not divide at all. Some embryos may divide at a very slow rate which is indicative of a poor potential for producing pregnancy. Some embryos may divide abnormally and start to fragment during their development. These embryos also have a poor potential for producing pregnancy. A blastocyst is an embryo that has developed for 5 to 6 days after fertilization.

Normally, by the third day after the egg retrieval, healthy eggs will have divided into eight cell embryos. Which thankfully we have 7 of now! The reason we have the blastocyst is because on day 3 that embryo had only 5 cells. So they left it in the incubator for a couple more days to see if it would grow more and they froze it's 3 beautiful siblings! By day 5 it had grown and turned into a blastocyst! When an embryo reaches the stage of blastocyst they stop classifying the embryo by it's cell count because it has so many cells they can no longer count them.

 

This picture may help explain the stages of an embryo. Granted mine weren't fertilized in the fallopian tube but they will be placed right up there where it shows the day 7 embryo.

Hope that makes some sort of sense! But always ask questions if you have them! It doesn't bother me at all! I will probably post about the transfer process next week after I get my information packet in the mail. But for now we are just so elated! We feel like we can relax and not stress for a little while. We are so anxious for December! Thank you all for your continued support, prayers and encouragement! I love you all! 



And then there were 8!

Just got the call from the doctor's office! We have 3 embryos and 1 blastocyst! The 3 embryos are all 8 cells and all have less than 5% fragmentation. They want all embryos to have less than 10% fragmentation. Since I have a new coordinator I asked about the June cycle embryos. I was never told anything about fragmentation of our embryos in June. So this is the breakdown:

September Cycle:
8 Cell Embryo, 5% Fragmentation
8 Cell Embryo, 5% Fragmentation
8 Cell Embryo, 5% Fragmentation
1 Blastocyst

June Cycle:
8 Cell Embryo, 5% Fragmentation
7 Cell Embryo, 5% Fragmentation
8 Cell Embryo, 5% Fragmentation
8 Cell Embryo, 0% Fragmentation

When she looked at the picture of the last one (8 Cells, 0% Fragmentation) she said it was one of the best embryos she has seen!! That is music to my ears!! When she said that I almost shrieked.

I am so so so so HAPPY!!! Giddy happy! Thank you God for all 8 of these tiny miracles! Thank you for blessing us!!

We will go either December 16th, 17th or 19th for transfer. Those were the days left on the schedule. Not sure which yet. Possibly the 16th, Ryan and I have to discuss it more tonight! We are going to be celebrating all weekend!!!

Results

I am a day late. Yesterday was a crazy and busy day so I didn't post.

 

Of the 12 eggs they retrieved 8 of them were mature enough to inject with sperm. Of the 8 that were injected 4 fertilized. They will freeze them sometime this week and let me know if they all made it through the freeze process. Hopefully all 4 will and we will have a total of 8 frozen embryos. I will go in December for my first transfer (putting 2 embryos back into my uterus).

 

Thank you all for all your kind words, support and prayers! They are so greatly appreciated! It is the best gift we could ask for during this time.

Eggs!!!

12 eggs! I cannot believe it! Neither could Dr Silber! So blessed! All the glory goes to God! I cried when I woke up and Ryan told me. I kept asking if I was dreaming. Thank you all for your prayers. We will know something Monday about fertilization. Keep up the prayers! 

Retrieval set for Saturday

Today's monitoring results:

Right ovary: 5 measurable

Left ovary: 6 measurable

Estradiol: 1485

LH: 4.1

FSH: 7.5

Progesterone: 1.3

So the Ganirelix did it's job and suppressed my LH level. 

I am schedule for retrieval at 9:00 Saturday morning. I have to be there at 7:00.

I am to take two injections of Lupron tonight. One at 11:00 and then next at 1:00 a.m.!! That's gonna be a fun one! Hopefully my alarm works and hopefully I get the right dosage in the needle. I might have to splash some cold water on my face to be alert enough.

I have to admit I am getting pretty home sick. My sister came up with me Sunday and she left this morning because Ryan got here last night. She was so excited to get home and get ahold of our week old niece. Seeing her pictures makes me want to cry. I want to be with them so badly. And I miss my fur baby too. But it's gonna be over real soon. Ryan and I just have to find a way to entertain ourselves tomorrow! And then it gets exciting again! I am so ready! I feel so much more at ease this time around. I guess because I know what to expect the morning of. I haven't started stressing about how many eggs we will get yet. Probably because Kolette and I stayed so busy hitting every thrift store in a 15 mile radius of us and have been working on craft projects in our hotel at night! Hence why my posts are so short. We really had a fun time! The thrift stores around St. Louis are awesome! We bought so much stuff we are going to paint or repurpose! I can't wait to get home and get to work! 

Tomorrow is a free day! No injections, well unless you count the one at 1:00 am! And no blood work or ultrasound! And no alarm in the morning, again except at 1:00 am. Can you tell I dread that one? 

Praying for healthy high quality eggs!! 

Update

Well today I have 11 follicles! That is the good news. The bad news was that I had to do an injection of Ganirelix today and again tomorrow morning. I didn't have to take it last time. It is to make sure that body doesn't ovulate prematurely. They want me to take it this time because my LH level is kinda high. And it looks like my retrieval is going to be Saturday. Kinda bummed about that. Was hoping for Friday but I want it to be perfect timing so I will do it!

My results:

Estradiol 1811

LH 9.8

FSH 7.6

Progesterone 1.3 

Keep the prayers coming! Another ultrasound and blood work in the morning!